The Spook-Filled Tackines in Gatlinburg TN

Greetings,

I am currently exploring the insane awesomeness that is Gatlinburg, Tennessee. Let me tell you – this place is flowing with awesome tacky spooks!

My fiancée and I wanted to knock the Appalachian Mountains off our bucket list. So we drove a thousands of miles to Gatlinburg, Tennessee. What I was expecting was a small mountain town with some touristy things….I was not expecting this!!!!

image

This place is drowning in cheese! Holy shit! I look left and I see Ripley’s Believe It or Not cheese, I look right and see a side of Haunted Mansion! Aaaaahhh! My monster mania radar is going ape shit!

image

It’s only been 2 hours; I have 3 days. I just might explode. Tomorrow I will share the Haunted Mansion treats with ya’ll.

Advertisements

Blumhouse Resurrects Halloween!

It’s been 7 years since Rob Zombie gave us his terrifying vision that was Halloween II. I was hoping we’d get a trilogy from the Monster God RZ but we didn’t. And thus began another Dark Age for Michael Myers.

Years went by and rumors of a new Halloween spread like a plague. Whispers of a Halloween 3D almost became real. We even got a taste of something sweet when Halloween Returns was announced. But it was quickly slashed to death. My fear that the Halloween franchise would never be seemed too real.

But something happened tonight that changed everything.

The Internet exploded a few minutes ago when filmmaker and horror machine, Jason Blum of Blumhouse announced they will be co-producing the new Halloween film! But that ain’t the best part! Horror God John Carpenter will executive produce!

Let that sink in. Not only is the best franchise in history getting a kick-start but the man who created it all will have a creative hand deep inside its meaty belly!

Ladies and gentlemen, when Blumhouse backs a legendary horror franchise, you can bet your last box of Boo Berries that we are in excellent hands. I literally want to backflip, Willy Wonka style, around the block!

image

The Graveyard Machine Presents: Sad Dracula

Halloween 1997 could have been a potentially awesome year for me. It wasn’t. I was grounded.

My punishment was this: I could dress up but I couldn’t trick r’ treat. This was totally intolerable for such a sweet kid like me. I mean, all I did was stand up in Ms. Finches class and produce a beautiful anal crescendo that I had my friend T.J crying. Such joy is a gift.

I have never experienced such aggression in my lifetime. And I thought the winds from my thunder fart was hot! This grounding had scorched my debut of Dracula.

So I walked the streets of Homewood, Illinois in full Drac regalia, looking sad as shit in the year 1997 because I farted in grade school. What a stupid sentence.

image

Do not fall trap to my lame story of woe for I am inspired! Sad Dracula will become the new face of The Graveyard Machine. I will use Sad Dracula as a symbol of the past, present, and future of all things horror! Sad Dracula is here to remind us to enjoy the spooky side of life.

Sad Dracula Rising!

Flea Market Horror Finds #1

The American flea market is a graveyard for cool shit you don’t need. Which means you actually DO need it.

It’s also filled to capacity with deadite looking, soulsucking, nasal burning, stomach churning goons that’ll make you scream.

If you get past the creatures that lurk you will inevitably enjoy yourself. If ChrisDoesComics and The Gaunt can do it, so can you!

This weekend was Friday the 13th. That means absolutely nothing. However, Friday the 15th was Flea Market Sunday at my local hunt- Wolfs Flea Market.

I was helping my father-in-law hock is junk when I had a sudden urge to hunt. I told myself I wouldn’t buy but that’s like telling my Kiki to stop stealing my God damn pillow every God damn night. I’m glad I didn’t listen to my brain. The gut is always right! The gut is always right!

My first treat of the day took only one American dollar. Best dollar spent in the last 4 days.

image

Wait until they get a'load of me!

After grabbing the serial killer clown I ventured off to a table operated by some very nice Mexican people. I quickly realized they are not all rapists and gangbangers when I purchased the motherload below!

image

Kong is King

Todd McFarlane’s RKO King Kong was mine for only $15 bucks! I nearly poo-pooed my slacks! I have been wanting this statue for years. Every single Pop Con or Horror Con had it for hundreds! The scuplt is simply amazing. It truly shows why Kong is the mightiest of monsters.

This find ended my epic Sunday on a high. Perhaps it was from finding Kong or the rancid fumes of the living corpses that stroll the lanes of all markets, but whatever it was I want more.

The Gaunt Reviews: Prime Cuts: A Graphic Novel – Vol. 1

Prime Cuts: A Graphic Novel – Vol.1

My bleeding eyes have tasted something sweet and fresh, dear readers! It is with eager fingers that I implore you to read what I have experienced. The indy comic world has a beating heart once again! The Cult of the Graveyard Machine, I give you a throbbing thick review of – Prime Cuts: A Graphic Novel – Vol. 1.

Freshmen year in high school, I found a palm sized sleaze comic at school. It was tucked away between The Dark Knight Returns and Sin City. This 10 page booklet was a dirty secret that I had in my back pocket for a week. It was filled with murder, sex, and “cock-cussing” bad language. I will never know the names of the creators that gave me that nervous read. But it doesn’t matter because that feeling has been resurrected ten-fold in Volume 1. of Prime Cuts.

Creators John Franklin and Tim Sulka have Frankensteined the classic tale of Sweeney Todd to the point of brilliant originality. Set in post apocalyptic world where meat has become something of a rarity, law and order is nothing but an idea. Sure, things still function, like Pops Pizza, but anything and everything can happen in a blink of an eye.

The moment our hero, Todd Sweeney, leaves The Cosmetology Prison, we enter the madness that is Prime Cuts. It never strays from its moral code of true grit. We all know that Sweeney Todd is a tale of revenge and fate. Prime Cuts takes that and literally says, ‘fate? fuck that’. It completely dices and slices up what you would expect, and presents the raw meat that you ain’t suppose to eat!

When I finished Prime Cuts I was overwhelmed with the feeling that I got when reading that “dirty” comic as a kid. It wasn’t a perverted boner filled feeling. It was a proud discovery feeling. Weird? Let me explain. Prime Cuts is a graphic novel that you read and pass along to your friends. With a knowing grin you say, “Have you ever read, Prime Cuts?”

Read well,

The Gaunt

Prime Cuts: A Graphic Novel – Vol. 1 is Graveyard Machine approved! Primce Cuts is written by creative team Tim Sulka (Children of the Corn -666 screenwriter) and John Franklin (Isaac from Children on the Corn). Check out the details using the links below!

For a limited time, a free download of Prime Cuts, vol. 1 is available FREE at http://www.primecutsnovel.com! Hard copies are available for sale at IndyPlanet.com.  Volume 2 coming soon!

Official Facebook page – https://www.facebook.com/PrimeCutsNovel/

Rob Zombies Throat Punch Album!

Rob Zombie has unleashed his 6th studio album:The Electric Warlock Acid Witch Satanic Orgy Celebration Dispenser.

The album spins in the realm of 30 minutes. Be warned, these minutes will leave mass destruction of monstrous proportions. It is the throat punch you will give Monday mornings. It is sensational.

Let me tell you some real talk. You ready? Rob Zombie is the last great Rock n’ Roll revivalist. This man has single handily Frankensteined the genre. Here is a man that never strays away from who he is, what he does. From film to music, Zombie will forever be the mad doctor that is never gonna stop saving Rock.b

Buy the album now! – http://robzombie.com/

image