Halloween Treats 2017: Part I

In order to escape the insanity of the day I decided that Goober peanut butter and jelly was needed in my life. I am an avid consumer of the sandwich called PB&J. So when I get the need to feed, I jauntily head to my kitchen to consume. Today I really needed a fix. So you could imagine how fucking pissed I was when I found my supply of Goober was all but gone!

Beyond irritated (nothing new) I drove to my local supermarket in what I can only describe as fucking terrible weather. It was like living in a wet wool sock that was worn during football practice. Luckily the local Jewel was only minutes from my crypt.

Using a spatula to scrap my balls from my truck seat, I wandered into the nearly empty store with Goober on my mind but came out with something much, much more.

Yeah, I found the Goober goodness but I also found some freaking awesome Halloween treats! My head was so distracted that I forgot that the chances of encountering Halloween in the wild were pretty high since I personally started Halloween this year. You read that correctly. I found Halloween first. Let me have my childish statement, damn it!

So without further ado I present to you my Halloween Treats: Part 1.

 I’m not going to bore you with my play-by-play analysis  of this bologna. But what I will say is this – The color scheme of Halloween treats truly erases any negativity that surfaces in my pea brain. These packages and all that they contain is one of the many reasons why we all love Halloween.

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I Found the Devil at Flashback Weekend.

The green and red mohawked man’s jean jacket vest was covered in the most extreme horror patches and buttons I had ever seen. He had patches dedicated to Cannibal Holocaust and pins featuring Charles Band’s shit-tastic pile of cinema trash. But it wasn’t these obnoxious displays of identity that disturbed me so; it was the pinned patch in the center of his jacket that read, “Ask Me About Satan.”

These horror conventions are drowning with all sorts of characters. Here, you’ll find Halloween-Heads, Horror critics, Punks, and even the ultra rare, almost extinct legend that is the Goth. So it wasn’t really the patch that had my heart pumping faster than normal. It was his aura.

I’m almost positive this guy felt me judging his patches because he turned around and grinned straight at my face. I pulled my eyes away and started awkwardly staring at some shitty homemade spooky candles that some aged punk rocker chick was selling.

But what the fuck did I see? It was only a brief glance but I’m almost positive the Satan patched dude had tiny sharp teeth and bible black eyes! I decided to steal another glance.

Confirmed! The guy was still staring at me and he had the blackest fucking eyes I had ever seen. Shark eyes. The eyes that Quint from Jaws spoke about. Before I could process the thought through my energy drink trenched brain, the guy turned around and walked swiftly through the crowd. And I did the stupidest thing anybody could do after seeing a sharp toothed guy with devil eyes: I followed.

I pushed past a fat Freddy who was delivering one out of a thousand cheesy Nightmare lines. Fred cosplay voices are equivalent to Heath Ledger Joker cosplay voices so I couldn’t help but wince. But doing this distracted me from focusing on the man with the ‘Ask me about Satan patch. And that’s when I crashed into Sean Patrick Flanery.

S.P.F (thanks Chris) was fist pumping to terrible music. He smiled and audibly hooted in some sort of cocaine or super fruit vitamin burst. I looked past his orange glow to see my target farther than I wanted him to be. Flanery hooted again and invited me to a shared pump of the fists.

“Not now, Junior!”

I pushed past him.and continued my search for the Satan guy. I couldn’t locate him! I hissed a curse as I desperately scanned the buzzing convention floor like a T-800.

Target acquired! I found him taking a selfie with some big boobed girl with tattoos that she could not have gotten sober. With some sort of stupid courage, I hit continue in this stupid game of cat and mouse!

Just as I was about to reach him, or IT, a t-shirt vendor ambushed me.

“Don’t be shy! Take a look at all our overpriced t-shirts!” said the vendor who grew up on the Twilight Saga.

“Cool but, uh-”

“I know right?! See they all glow under black light?! You see? How cool is that – black light?”

She giggled and flashed a black-light wand like some 12-year-old girl high on rock candy. I wasn’t in the market for stupid shirts but I knew I couldn’t escape this trap so easily. So, I let her have it.

“Why the fuck would I pay $35 dollars for a shirt that turns on with a light that I’ll never encounter unless I’m raving with the crew from Return of the Living Dead? And if I’m exposed to said light I’d be risking the embarrassing fact that I have a ton of cum stain on and around my crotch area. Goodbye.”

Using my rudeness as Bat-smoke, I zipped past her and rounded the corner to where I saw the Mohawk Satan go.

“GOD DAMN IT!” I roared.

The fucker was gone! A wave of panic started to sit on my chest as I looked around like Charles Band looking for a paycheck. Was this going to be one of those crazy ass stories that would haunt my mind until the day I die? The story about the time I saw a real demon at a horror con. What a story that could have been.

The chemicals in my brain did a little dance and I felt depressed as I gloomily walked away to continue my gazing at Lance Henrikson’s liver spots.

“Hey.”

A cigarette cracked voice behind me said. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. Somehow, someway I knew this voice belonged to HIM!

My heart pumped faster than Sean Patrick Flanery’s fist as I slowly turned around to confront whatever he or IT was.

His eyes were blacker than black. His teeth; yellow jagged abominations that could rip flesh from bone. Under his jean jacket vest, he wore a simple Hanes undershirt with a crude image of an upside down Crucified Jesus. This guy was the real fucking deal!

With a smile, he presented a large black book to me. The book was made of leather. The cover had the Satanic pentagram etched in fine gold ink. I know what this was. It was the Book of Satan! Once I sign it he would give me whatever I wanted! Just like in The Witch movie!

“Wanna check out my portfolio?”.

My saucer wide eyes and slit mouthed grin instantly dropped.

“Whaa?”

The devil guy chortled, put up his index finger to me as if to tell me to hold on. With his other hand, he pulled out his yellow teeth with a slurp. A line of spit webbed from his mouth and fake teeth. The spit string snapped.

“Damn teeth. Gotta love Spirit Halloween, uh?” He chortled again in merriment. “Wanna check out my portfolio. I’m an artist.”

My jaw fell to the floor. That’s when I noticed he was standing behind a booth that read: Vincent Vicious: Dark Mind, Dark Soul, Dark Art.

This guy fucking just baited me right up the ass! I started tearing up as I grabbed his book of art and flipped it opened. Inside I found life like pictures of classic horror icons like Freddy, Jason, and Dracula. The only thing was they were all drawn like Penises. The guy who I thought was an agent of Satan drew life like horror icons as if they were life like dicks. What. The. Fuck.

My lips trembled as tears softly fell down my cheeks. I Sad Dracula’d hard as I walked further into his trap by complimenting his Horror Penis talents.

“That’s soo…original.”

The asshole smiled a beautiful set of teeth. His right black eyeball popped out. A contact. He pulled the other one out. Two beautiful blue eyes twinkled at me.

“Not biggie. Got them cheap on Amazon. Free shipping with Prime. Total win. Wanna buy a print?”

He pointed at a selection of 8×5 prints of his dick art. He had everything from Regan from The Exorcist to a big black King Kong.

“Come on. Help me out. I’m hungry. I gotta make a living. You love horror, right? These are Con exclusives. Come on, these tables aren’t cheap. Whaddya say, buddy? ”

I must have left my body because I saw myself completely giving in by his sales Kung Fu. He sale slayed me. I was almost sobbing as I pointed at the Michael Myers as a penis print.

“That one.”

He pulled it down and autographed it. In what he must have thought as super clever, he added an exclamation in the shape of a penis.

“That would be 45 bones, my man.”

I trembled a smile and gave him my credit card.

In the background, Sean Patrick Flanery gave me a whats up chin and fist pumped in my direction as the black light t-shirt vendor hung on his bicep. She was waving her wand at SPF’s crotch area.  His crotch glowed with a stain.

I cried.

 

Neon Ghosts

Kyle Brown came home late one night tripping on mushrooms. These are not the mushrooms that you put in your salad, however you probably can do so. It would entirely depend on how weird you are.

The kind that Kyle Brown took were inter-dimensional. They’re the kind that make time deathly slow as you see everything in neon. It was on Halloween that he came home tripping on these shrooms.

Kyle reached for his doorknob and the doorknob glowed with a brilliance that he could not describe nor truly comprehend. So he laughed in euphoria and entered his studio apartment.

The single pumpkin light in the far corner of his studio glowed in a fiery orange smile much like it had done before but this time it was alive with color. This was no doubt the result of the drugs that he had consumed three hours earlier. With a swift twist of his wrist Kyle locked the door. He was safely inside or so he thought.

Kyle hummed to himself as he slipped off his tired loafers. That’s when he felt it. Something was clogging up the studio apartment atmosphere. Whatever it was Kyle did not like it. He slowly lifted his head up and scanned the room to see a neon glowing sheet ghost sitting on his sagging sofa.

Kyle could hear his heart howling to get out of his chest. He blinked and blinked but the classic sheeted ghost that glowed so brilliantly neon did not go away as hoped. It flashed orange, red, purple, green and blue. It was not in that order. It seemed to have no order in its display.

The ghost reminded Kyle of those freaky fluorescent flashing fish that hang out in the darkest depths of the ocean. The ones that they always showed on ocean specific documentaries for late-night television viewing. Television was something he could turn off. This was not something he could turn off or make go away. Without taking his spiraling eyes off the paranormal intruder, Kyle slowly reach for the light switch.

” DO NOT TURN ON THE LIGHTS!” said a soft childlike voice that slipped out from underneath the folds of the sheeted ghost.

“uh, why?” was the only thing his cosmic lit brain could think to say.

The ghost did not answer but instead swiftly and effortlessly stood up from its sitting position as if it was hoisted up by an invisible string. The ghost was nearly ten feet tall. It’s rounded head scraped the ceiling. The head slowly turned towards Kyle and revealed two black eyes and black moaning mouth.

“You dick!” roared Kyle as he fell on the floor in disbelief.

The ghost started laughing hysterically. He pointed at Kyle and buckled over in glee. Slapping his ghost knee he bellowed out, “I got you, you stupid dink!”

Kyle shook his head and stared at the laughing asshole.

“Booghoulie, I could fucking kill you!

“That’s what you get for doing shrooms without me.”

Kyle looked at his laughing ghost roommate with a face as cold as a tombstone. How could he hate this sad sack of a ghost? After all he was his best friend.

“Besides,” said Booghoulie. “I’m already dead!”

Kyle exploded in a fit of laughter at this obvious truth. The small, drab studio apartment was quickly filled with joy for nothing is better than having a best friend in life and in death.

Halloween is 100 Days Away.

STOP what you are doing! Halloween is 100 days away! This means we can officially start celebrating our most sacred Holiday!  

HOORAY!

I like to kick off my celebration by watching a couple of Halloween movies. However, their is a rule that I always obey- I will not watch the original Halloween until all Hallows Eve draws closer! This is fine with me because the franchise is filled with goodness. 

One of my favorites is H20. I already watched it not ‘so long ago but it has great rewatch value. Plus, the VHS has a killer CREED video at the end. Can you taste the 90’s.

Another thing I need to do is start tossing up some decorations. I’m planning on making my apartment into the coolest haunt this side of Instagram because I have no physical friends. I’m talking vintage spookiness mixed with a dash of blood, pumpkins and monsters galore.

I’m also working on a killer Spotify playlist that will bring out the dead. Music is super important to my resurrection of Halloween. It keeps the pumpkin blood flowing. Ya feel me?

So how are you getting ready for Halloween? What is the first thing you do to celebrate? Whatever it is I just hope you do it because ain’t nothing better than some HALLOWEEN. 

Moving forward The Graveyard Machine will be diving into all things Halloween.

 Now, let’s have some fun.

Your Opinion Matters

Today I would like to remind you that it’s okay if you want to like or dislike something popular. This heavily applies to the world of horror. Heavily. Applies.

I really don’t like zombie movies. This opinion gets me crucified by my fellow horror fiends. But I really don’t give a rats ass on what they think. However, I see that the pop culture mind control machine prevents real opinions from being had for fear of not fitting in.

Like what you fucking want to like. Write, read, watch what YOU want. If you’re at a party and everybody is bitching about the Nightmare on Elm Street remake that you love, speak up! Don’t let robots crap on your views. Tell them how and why your opinion matters. Because it does!

Just remember that your views and opinion is what makes YOU unique. It also helps keep things fresh. So dear reader, stay fresh or join the mundane horde of popular opinions and slowly rot away.

Godzilla Resurgence sucked….

Burger King Kids Club Halloween

I have hundreds (and I mean hundreds) of fast food toys. I love them. They remind me of when salt was just salt and not a death sentence. My treasure trove of 90’s fast food toys is dominated by Burger King. I was always a BK kid. I found Kid Vid and his radical pals to be far more cooler than that slap happy clown who was up to something sinister. Never trust a clown!

So I have a ton of neat toys from the golden age of BK. Everything from Pokemon to Bonkers crash cars. However, my collection has one monstrous hole in it. Actually, it far more than a hole. The series that I missed out on goes beyond owning any of the physical toys. I simply cannot remember these toys being advertised! That’s a damn shame since I am a big fan of the Universal Horror Monsters!

Check out this killer Burger King UHM commercial – Burger King Universal Monsters Trailer.

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I have no idea how I missed out on this epic campaign. It could be do to the fact that I was actually fighting monsters instead of playing with them. Pshhh. Ya’ll have no idea what I have seen!

Watching the commercial reminds me of how kick ass fast food toys use to be. Now we get these dinky toys that aren’t even playable. The heck! CAN’T A GUY JUST ORDER A KIDS MEAL SO HE CAN FORGET ABOUT MODERN TIMES!

Ebay hunting I go.

Bye.

 

 

 

Sad Dracula Finds: VHS Treasures! Vol.1

Friday was filled with relaxation. Saturday was pleasantly lost with friends and alcohol. Sunday was, and always will be, the day of the hunt! Sometimes hunting bodacious treasures takes me to Flea Markets, thrift stores or garage sales for stuff. But this time it was centered on a single solitary mission – hunt for VHS Treasures!

98% of horror fans collect VHS. This is fact. My interest in the almighty VHS was rather simple. My mission was to reclaim all the tapes I had as a kid. I suffer from a danger case of nostalgiaitis. (not a word). So began my journey across Chicagoland to collect the movies in my past. I needed to see the old promos. I need to hear the iconic music of each production company when they owned Hollywood. Nothing beats the old New World Pictures or Orion Pictures production title cards.

What turned into collecting the past turned into an addiction. I would come across horror films that I loved but never saw on tape. The boxes would mesmerize me. Before I knew it I purchased whatever horror VHS I found. Me likey forever.

So this Sunday I continued my VHS adventures. You can bet your left knee cap that  I found some very killer pieces. My collection is sophomoric compared to the big wigs out there. However, I could careless about the size of my…tape collection. It’s a grower not a shower.  But I’m feeling a little naughty. Me want to show you growth. I’ve worked hard at it. Shall we begin?

  1. King Kong VHS : 60th Anniversary Special Edition

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First up is this absolutely amazing King Kong 60th anniversary collectors edition tape. This was a perfect find since I saw and reviewed Kong: Skull Island! This golden nugget was released  by Turner Home Entertainment in 1993. The digital remastered soundtrack is tasty but what makes this beauty is the fact that the VHS cover ROARS! A brilliant yellow bubble that hovers over Kong on the cover informs the buyer to press Kongs chest. Once this is done we get to hear what sounds like bad indigestion or a grumpy tiger. Still awesome. Also, check out the opening promos that will open the flood gates of nostalgia!

CHECK IT! – King Kong VHS 1993 PROMO

2. Jaws: The Revenge VHS (98)

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What you look at this ugly piece of work! This 98 Goodtimes Home Video release is simply disgusting….so is Jaws: The Revenge. I love it so! Revenge was one of those movies that I would always watch on TV despite the fact that it offered too much shark and too much Lorraine Gary shoulder pads.

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Revenge is filled with ridiculous fun. It also features sexy Michael Caine as a Jimmy Buffet guy. I assure you will find delight in this trashbag movie after you separate it with it’s grandaddy from 1975.

For further fun check out this awesome VHS promo!

3. WWF’s Undertaker The Phenom VHS

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I’m not a mega fan of wrestling but I do love the attitude era. In this era I watched Undertaker do scary things. This made Sad Dracula excited and scared at the same time. Do you understand these two emotions?! Do you understand a child in the 90’s!? Do you understand THE PHENOM!

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I”m really looking forward to watching this treat. The tape has the feud between Taker and his brother, Kane! So sweet. The Attitude Era was, in my opinion, the greatest era of wrestling, ever. It pushed all sorts of boundaries across the sport and across TV. Without this era Trump would have never been POTUS. Thank you, WWF.

4. Halloween:1999 Restored Collectors Edition – Holographic/Hologram cover!

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When I found this at Half Price I shrieked out loud. I remember seeing this VHS at my old video store on Grand Ave! I haven’t seen it since. It was like finding an old toy in the attic. I never watched this particular VHS. It was the mere image of the Pumpkin transforming to Michael Myers that awed me. I remember if you stood to the side the image would be this demented half Myers/Pumpkin face killer! Ahhh!

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5. THE REST OF THE HOARD!

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Well, times a wasting away so I figured I would reveal the rest of my juicy finds! The haul was a tremendous one for a guy like me. A man on a budget so tight that it makes a Rabbi Mortistein look like a 14 year old girl at the mall with her first paycheck.

Collecting this trash is a stress reliever for me. I enjoy it. It’s cheap. It’s fun. It beats sucking on the bottle. Here’s to infinite happiness!

Sad Dracula Finds: Cool King Kong Stuff!

Hot off of seeing Kong: Skull Island I decided to spend my weekend in the best way possible. Not working.

*Applause

Taking a paid day off of work has allowed me time to spend time on time wasting activities. Such actives are as followed: Watch Ghoulies Go To College, Godzilla Raids Again, and 1995’s Evolver (reviewing this beautiful pile of shit soon). But the bulk of my day was focused on the headline of this article – finding Cool King Kong Stuff!

The keyword is STUFF. Boy, did I find some really awesome stuff! So grab your adventure gear and follow me as I take you on a wild adventure Kong stuff…what a weird word…stuff…

1. Giant King Kong in Japan!

I found this awesome blog called, Tokyo Fox. The blog is written by a gentleman who seems to be a modern Indiana Jones! I was scrolling on his Godzilla adventure and found this…

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Leave it up to Japan to have the coolest building in the world! King Kong coming out of FamilyMart. So freaking cool!

2. Red Robin Kong Burger Sign

The Ebay Machine has a million awesome Kong items. So selecting the most interesting piece was hard. I ended up using a mathematical equation that included Kong+Advertising=second choice. Lo! I present to you Red Robin Kong Burger Sign!

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I would totally buy this amazing piece of advertising. That is if I had a cool $1,500 to spare. Oh well, at least I can right click and save this delicious image.But just look at it! Kong on top of a Empire State Building, holding a tasty burger while smiling as the awesome copy reads, So Big It’s Scary. What else could you want?!

3. King Kong Inflatable Salesman

I remember being a kid in Chicago and seeing a giant King Kong inflatable on Irving Park road. He’d always be in front (or on top) of a car dealership. I remember driving with my Grandparents and cowering in fear. My Grandpa would assure me that he would shoot the monkey with a bow and arrow. No joke. Gramps was major dick. Anyway, I find it awesome yet odd that Kong is associated with car dealerships. To this day you can find various Kongs peddling cars like the greasy ape he is.

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4. King Kong Gets Funky with Barry White

The year was 1977. The music world was a bottomless ocean of audible treasures. But nothing can come close to Barry, “Prince of Pillow talk” White’s funky orchestral creation entitled Theme From King Kong. I can only imagine this was influenced by 76′ Kong and it’s impact it had on everything. This will be my alarm, forever.

Play me: BARRY WHITES KING KONG

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5. Sad Dracula’s Kongfrontation Treasures

Collecting Kong is an expensive hobby. This means when I come across Kong related treats I must exercise extreme financial caution. Most of all I must not be drinking nor fed after midnight when surfing the web. This will ultimately cause me to purchase all Kong related items on earth. This is a sad fact of a 28 year old geek. Let us begin the display!

 

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This bad boy is a Universal Studios Kongfrontation pass! When I stumbled upon this guy during a midnight Kong search on Ebay, I knew I needed. The defunct ride will always hold special place in my heart. The ride thrilled me. I remember going on the ride and thinking that the giant Kong animatronic just might come alive this time around. I was certain of it. Those stupid little childish thoughts come flooding back when I look at the art on the pass. I sure do miss those days.

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My second Kong collectible comes from Arbys when they promoted Kongfrontation! I won’t lie. I have no memory of ever eating Arbys during the Kongfrontation years. I am not a fan of Arbys. I feel like the meat is secretly thinly sliced human flesh soaked in various sauces. That’s a personal problem. But I love this awesome cup!

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My third piece is a combo of my kick ass Todd Mcfarlane Kong figure AND my 2005 box of Kellogg’s corn flakes cereal!

I picked up the Kong figure at a flea market in Chicago. I talked the guy down to $12 bones! I felt bad but I pretended I had no idea what this was. No shame in my hunting game. The sculpt is amazing. The find was even better!

Now, let me explain the box of 12 year old cereal. Back in high school I purchased this box of cereal because of Peter Jackson’s King Kong flick. But my objective was far more advanced! On the side of the box was a redemption code for a kick ass kong t shirt. You best believe that I mailed the coupon out. Within a couple of weeks I was rocking the awesome Kong Kellogg’s shirt. The shirt is lost. I miss that shirt. I just might purchase it again on ebay…

Well it’s all over. I hope you enjoyed this journey of random Kong stuff. I hope this triggered your wallets to cough up the cashmoney to see Kong:Skull Island. It’s the best monster movie in decades. DECADES! Don’t believe me? Just check out It’s Alive Horror Podcast and their thrilling review.

Cheers,

Sad Dracula

 

 

 

Kong Superman Punches a Helicopter.

Last week the PODCAST I co-host released  EPISODE 11 in which we gushed over all things King Kong. The episode heavily focused on the upcoming Kong:Skull Island movie that is set to be unleashed March 10th. However, It’s Alive Podcast has a connection with the big hairy guy. Low and behold we found ourselves in possession of a map…

…a map in the form of a ticket to see a sneak screening of KONG: SKULL ISLAND in  beautiful IMAX 3D! My awesome God was it the ultimate monster movie experience that we have all been waiting for.

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Take a gander at the above Japanese poster. For me the poster layout instantly sends me back to when I was a 10 year old kid. It reminds me of how freaking awesome a kids life was in the 90’s. We had awesome monster toys, awesome monster shows and movies, and pretty much awesome everything. Everything was FUN.

The above poster is a perfect representation off what to expect in Kong:Skull Island. It is the ultimate monster/adventure film that we all grew up loving. Strangely we truly never experienced the full capabilities of the Monster Movie genre. That is until now.

I love Kong. I love Godzilla. I love giant monsters destroying things. But in every new monster movie I watched  I wanted more. The best taste of adventure was from Peter Jackson’s Kong. However, that was bogged down by bleakness and too much melodrama sauce. It was a great flick but that monster kid inside wasn’t fully satisfied.

Kong: Skull Island delivers all that was missing. It truly is the best Giant Monster movie to date. Kong is given a new and refreshing role that reminds us why he is King. Also, he’s not a sex offender this time around. Phew.

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“How YOU’s doing, baby?”

 

KONG: Skull Island needs to be seen on the IMAX screen. At times the movie feels like a ride. The IMAX experience enhances that feeling tenfold. But you should see it in the IMAX format anyway.

Why?

Because King Kong Superman punches a  God damn helicopter!

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Go see the big hairy hero. You will not be disappointed. All Hail The King!

Shhh…*Stay after the credits.

 

 

Ep. 11: A King Among Monsters

We are back! Man, does it feel good to record and release a fresh episode of It’s Alive Horror Podcast. This time around we record live on the cursed Skull Island. On this most monstrous island we talk Kong: Skull island, Halloween, and the cancelled Friday the 13th!

I hope you enjoy big number 11!

It's Alive! Horror Podcast

To celebrate the cinematic return of the great ape, we’re broadcasting directly from the mysterious Skull Island! From there we discuss all things King Kong including what we know of his new adventure Kong: Skull Island. But King Kong isn’t the only frightening wonder on our list. We unwrap Universal Studio’s The Mummy,  mourn the death of Jason Vorhees, celebrate the return of The Boogeyman, and predict the future of the Horror genre. It’s an episode so large and monstrous that Carl Denham would want to display us in New York! It’s new! It’s terrifying! It’s Alive!

You can download this episode by right clicking here.

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