Lights Out – Fear the Dark.

Tonight, my fiancee took me for a walk to see an advanced screening of David F. Sanberg’s feature film debut, Lights Out. The best part is she let me off the leash!

Lights Out was originally this amazing short film called, you guessed it,Lights Out! Mr. Sanberg and his lovely creative partner Lotta Losten are simply geniuses. I caught the short in 2014. It was one of those experiences that made me freeze in terror. After 5 minutes of a near heartattack, I tossed a penny into the Ring well and wished for a feature. Samara answered!

What’s absolutely incredible is the filmmaker’s ability to take a 3 minute short and flesh it out to a feature film. The best part is David Sanberg didn’t take away from the source material; instead he added a wonderful mythos to the darkened villian. This ultimately gave us one of the scariest films of the year!

That hand belongs to dirty Diana. She’s the entity that is menacing the family. She’s a force to be reckoned with. She will  undoubtedly be reasonable for a spike in  electric bills nationwide.

Just like the short,the entity only appears in the dark. The filmmakers pull out all sorts of nail biting scenarios. All will not be revealed here. I implore you to see the film on the big screen. Let the darkness overcome you. Hopefully you will have enough of that silver screen light on you….
….If you watch this movie SHE will follow you home. You will hear the unnatural scratching of her jagged finger nails. You will hear her creaking  in the darkness of your room. And eventually she will rip you to shreds. Goodnight.

#lightsout is a solid must see!


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IT: Pennywise Finally Hits the Big Screen!

So Stephen King’s 1,138 page book IT (written in tiny font) is getting its first feature film adaption. You read that correctly. Stephen Kings IT was never adapted for the big screen. If you said the 1990 adaptation is your favorite film you have been lying and undoubtedly will go to hell. Let me advise you on what I mean, dear liars. The Tim Curry version is a tv miniseries that aired on ABC in November of 1990. With this knowledge you may all begin to repent your wicked ways and hope the eldritch demon does not murder you.

I’ll be honest. I did attempt to read the Stephen King beast of a book. However, I was distracted by my cat and irritated by the tiny text. Those are my problems but I just couldn’t invest in the story. Perhaps I will find a version with bigger text.

I have another confession. The 1990 miniseries never clicked with me.

Gasp! Scream! Curses!

Yes, Tim Curry was great. No, I was not scared after watching it. The miniseries is simply outdated and often corny. These are facts. The director, Tommy Lee Wallace, also directed Halloween III: Season of the Witch. I didn’t care for that either. Judge me not by my honesty.

I do love the hell out of the concept of IT. A group of misfits called The Loser Club get attacked by a demon disguised as a rather proper Clown. I’m hoping that this upcoming adaptation will lighten the load of the book and give us a cinematic horror experience. And It does seem like we are getting that this time around. Drector Andres Muschietti (Mama) is helming this bad boy. If you remember Mama you will remember that it was damn scary flick with a good story.

That news alone had tickled my interest. But the news that was dropped today by Entertainment Weekly had captured my full blown attention. Without wasting time New Line Cinema gave the go ahead for EW to give us a huge reveal. That reveal is Bill Skarsard in full Pennywise paint!

He ain't clowining around!

He ain’t clowining around!

Bill Skarsgard is the spawn of Stellan Skarsgard (Thor, Pirates of the Caribbean) and brother of Alexander Skarsgard ( True Blood fame). Besides being Swedish, what makes Bill such a good choice is that he is 25 years old and he has very unique looks. Both of those make for a unique casting choice to play an ancient demon. I believe he will bring a nice youthful energy to the role. The age honestly doesn’t matter. What matters is his ability to bring a certain charisma to Pennywise. Watching interviews with the young lad confirms that he has said charisma. Plus, he has evil eyes!

bill

The world is ready for evil clowns. 2017 will bring us the most terrifying Clown film ever. I truly can’t wait to see it. Before you start complaining, remember that this is the first feature film we are getting. Remember that the 1990 version is it’s own vehicle. Embrace the fact that we are getting a big screen horror film with a clown.

Amen.

Horror 1988: Slime City!

One of my favorite things to do when I’m bored is to watch random horror trailers for movies that I have never seen. What’s even better is when I find a trailer to a horror flick that I have never heard of! The feeling of seeing something totally virgin is a damn treat. I’m not saying I’ve seen every single horror movie in the universe. What I’m saying is I’ve heard or come across a dungeon full of horror films so it makes it tough for me to be surprised.

But that’s all going to change starting tonight. The tiny red monster inside me scream for virgin horror cinema. And by golly I will appease its Kong sized appetite! My goal is to select a specific year in horror and pillage it until the red monster is satisfied. This is Graveyard Machine Mission! But every mission must have a game plan. Or maybe just a rough idea of game plan that could potentially be a game plan but out of pure laziness we will not actually have a game plan but a nugget of plan that could be grow into something that looks like a game plan.

Boring! I will do this rough and on the edge! I have selected by year in horror. Now, I could have picked any year. The world is my oyster but I felt like I should pick a year that is special to me. That year is the year the world was given the greatest gift of all time – me. The year is 1988.

The year of my birth is filled with some top shelf horror films. But it’s also bursting with absolutely ridiculous horror movies. So it’s with disgusting pleasure that I present to you the first trailer from Horror: 1988. I give to you the most disgusting horror trailer that I have ever seen.

slimecity

Watching the trailer for Slime City literally had me tasting the yellow pus and goop that seemed to dominate it. It also had me shaking my head and wondering why the heck didn’t I see this in high school! This type of film is awesome garbage. Nice hot, sticky garbage that you pass around to your friends. The movie is apparently about a couple moving into an apartment. The main face takes some sort of drink that turns him into a slimy murderer. YOU HAVE TO WATCH THIS TRAILER!

Tell me that wasn’t the most over the top, sanitize your eyeballs trailer you’ve ever seen?! The effects are simply amazing. The gruesomeness is on par with anything I have ever seen. That’s including any Fulci film. Bold statement but true.

Slim City is clearly pure exploitation slop. It’s these kinds of films that you want to watch with a group of friends on a Saturday night. Selecting films at random was sort of a risky decision. I could have wasted three minutes of my life. I’m glad I didn’t waste my precious minutes with this trailer.

SLIME CITY is a Graveyard Machine must watch.

Horror Toys and Collectibles For Cheap?!

I spent this 4th of July weekend drinking with the Kraken, blowing stuff up, watching Jaws on AMC, and best of all, browsing the world-wide web for awesome horror stuff! Nothing beats looking for deals for the things you love! If you’re like me, though, you don’t throw your hard-earned coins at just anything.

Yes, I want everything and anything related to horror. No, I will not waste my money if it doesn’t fit my three rule of horror collecting:

1. Will it add a discussion to my horror collection?
2. Is it unique in its own market?
3. Is it at the best price for me?

My holy trilogy of buying was on fire this weekend while I was hunting for cool JAWS merch. I was all over Amazon, Ebay, etsy etc. looking for something tasty. Something that would add to my ever growing JAWS collection. My collection ranges from a storyboard scene signed by Joe Alves (the production artist for the original film and eventual director of Jaws 3D) to awesome ReAction FUNKO toys. So you can imagine I was looking for something that would add on to the discussion.

I am happy to report that I found something so insanely cool that I just had to write about it! After much searching, I am the proud owner of the limited release of The Premium Motion Statue of the Orca by Factory Entertainment.

Check it out:

The Orca Attack scene is now mine!

The Orca Attack scene is now mine!

This bad boy is hand painted polyresin statue that will own the center of my Jaws collection. It’s one of those pieces I would see at a convention and wish I could get. It usually runs close to $100 in the wild which meant my wallet could never brave the donation.

I found this bad boy at this awesome online toy store called Not Just Toyz. They have everything from the NECA 8″ inch Freddy Kruger with the fabric sweater to the fully articulate BAT GREMLIN from Gremlins 2. I even found the 1985 12″ inch Godzilla under $20 bucks!

Make Not Just Toyz your #1 place to shop for awesome horror treats and more! By the way they have just about every single Walking Dead figure out there!

Shop well!

Carnival Spookshow Art

4th of July weekend offers many delightful activities. One of these activities is the return of awesome carnivals filled with awesome rides!

I attended one of these carnivals and discovered a new ride with insanely awesome art. I absolutely love custom horror art. This ride completely owned all custom horror art on large things contest. 

BEHOLD!


I demand skyscrapers to do custom horror art. Can you say, KING KONG!