We saw IT!

We saw the IT movie! And of course we just had to record about our experience. Yes. It’s all SPOILER FREE. We aren’t monsters!

Below you will find the link to the podcast. But before you do let me just say how great Bill Skarsgard’s performance is as our favorite insane clown, Pennywise. He is truly a terrifying monster. If you never feared clowns before, I am sure you will after you see his delicious performance. I seriously can’t stop thinking about all the little things he did and said. Creepy!

Anyways, we truly appreciate all the support we get with It’s Alive! Horror Podcast. Chris and I have been talking this way since we met in High School. That was over ten years ago. We just hope you have fun with it too! And don’t forget to get involved. We love feedback and chitchat. Your opinion matters!

 

EPISODE 15.

It’s an unusually stormy September night here at the crypt. And with that, we take advantage of the atmosphere by paying an early visit to a certain killer clown. With an advanced screening of Stephen King’s It fresh in our skulls we discuss if one of the most anticipated horror films of the year sinks […]

via Ep. 15: Sink or Float — It’s Alive! Horror Podcast

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I Found the Devil at Flashback Weekend.

The green and red mohawked man’s jean jacket vest was covered in the most extreme horror patches and buttons I had ever seen. He had patches dedicated to Cannibal Holocaust and pins featuring Charles Band’s shit-tastic pile of cinema trash. But it wasn’t these obnoxious displays of identity that disturbed me so; it was the pinned patch in the center of his jacket that read, “Ask Me About Satan.”

These horror conventions are drowning with all sorts of characters. Here, you’ll find Halloween-Heads, Horror critics, Punks, and even the ultra rare, almost extinct legend that is the Goth. So it wasn’t really the patch that had my heart pumping faster than normal. It was his aura.

I’m almost positive this guy felt me judging his patches because he turned around and grinned straight at my face. I pulled my eyes away and started awkwardly staring at some shitty homemade spooky candles that some aged punk rocker chick was selling.

But what the fuck did I see? It was only a brief glance but I’m almost positive the Satan patched dude had tiny sharp teeth and bible black eyes! I decided to steal another glance.

Confirmed! The guy was still staring at me and he had the blackest fucking eyes I had ever seen. Shark eyes. The eyes that Quint from Jaws spoke about. Before I could process the thought through my energy drink trenched brain, the guy turned around and walked swiftly through the crowd. And I did the stupidest thing anybody could do after seeing a sharp toothed guy with devil eyes: I followed.

I pushed past a fat Freddy who was delivering one out of a thousand cheesy Nightmare lines. Fred cosplay voices are equivalent to Heath Ledger Joker cosplay voices so I couldn’t help but wince. But doing this distracted me from focusing on the man with the ‘Ask me about Satan patch. And that’s when I crashed into Sean Patrick Flanery.

S.P.F (thanks Chris) was fist pumping to terrible music. He smiled and audibly hooted in some sort of cocaine or super fruit vitamin burst. I looked past his orange glow to see my target farther than I wanted him to be. Flanery hooted again and invited me to a shared pump of the fists.

“Not now, Junior!”

I pushed past him.and continued my search for the Satan guy. I couldn’t locate him! I hissed a curse as I desperately scanned the buzzing convention floor like a T-800.

Target acquired! I found him taking a selfie with some big boobed girl with tattoos that she could not have gotten sober. With some sort of stupid courage, I hit continue in this stupid game of cat and mouse!

Just as I was about to reach him, or IT, a t-shirt vendor ambushed me.

“Don’t be shy! Take a look at all our overpriced t-shirts!” said the vendor who grew up on the Twilight Saga.

“Cool but, uh-”

“I know right?! See they all glow under black light?! You see? How cool is that – black light?”

She giggled and flashed a black-light wand like some 12-year-old girl high on rock candy. I wasn’t in the market for stupid shirts but I knew I couldn’t escape this trap so easily. So, I let her have it.

“Why the fuck would I pay $35 dollars for a shirt that turns on with a light that I’ll never encounter unless I’m raving with the crew from Return of the Living Dead? And if I’m exposed to said light I’d be risking the embarrassing fact that I have a ton of cum stain on and around my crotch area. Goodbye.”

Using my rudeness as Bat-smoke, I zipped past her and rounded the corner to where I saw the Mohawk Satan go.

“GOD DAMN IT!” I roared.

The fucker was gone! A wave of panic started to sit on my chest as I looked around like Charles Band looking for a paycheck. Was this going to be one of those crazy ass stories that would haunt my mind until the day I die? The story about the time I saw a real demon at a horror con. What a story that could have been.

The chemicals in my brain did a little dance and I felt depressed as I gloomily walked away to continue my gazing at Lance Henrikson’s liver spots.

“Hey.”

A cigarette cracked voice behind me said. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. Somehow, someway I knew this voice belonged to HIM!

My heart pumped faster than Sean Patrick Flanery’s fist as I slowly turned around to confront whatever he or IT was.

His eyes were blacker than black. His teeth; yellow jagged abominations that could rip flesh from bone. Under his jean jacket vest, he wore a simple Hanes undershirt with a crude image of an upside down Crucified Jesus. This guy was the real fucking deal!

With a smile, he presented a large black book to me. The book was made of leather. The cover had the Satanic pentagram etched in fine gold ink. I know what this was. It was the Book of Satan! Once I sign it he would give me whatever I wanted! Just like in The Witch movie!

“Wanna check out my portfolio?”.

My saucer wide eyes and slit mouthed grin instantly dropped.

“Whaa?”

The devil guy chortled, put up his index finger to me as if to tell me to hold on. With his other hand, he pulled out his yellow teeth with a slurp. A line of spit webbed from his mouth and fake teeth. The spit string snapped.

“Damn teeth. Gotta love Spirit Halloween, uh?” He chortled again in merriment. “Wanna check out my portfolio. I’m an artist.”

My jaw fell to the floor. That’s when I noticed he was standing behind a booth that read: Vincent Vicious: Dark Mind, Dark Soul, Dark Art.

This guy fucking just baited me right up the ass! I started tearing up as I grabbed his book of art and flipped it opened. Inside I found life like pictures of classic horror icons like Freddy, Jason, and Dracula. The only thing was they were all drawn like Penises. The guy who I thought was an agent of Satan drew life like horror icons as if they were life like dicks. What. The. Fuck.

My lips trembled as tears softly fell down my cheeks. I Sad Dracula’d hard as I walked further into his trap by complimenting his Horror Penis talents.

“That’s soo…original.”

The asshole smiled a beautiful set of teeth. His right black eyeball popped out. A contact. He pulled the other one out. Two beautiful blue eyes twinkled at me.

“Not biggie. Got them cheap on Amazon. Free shipping with Prime. Total win. Wanna buy a print?”

He pointed at a selection of 8×5 prints of his dick art. He had everything from Regan from The Exorcist to a big black King Kong.

“Come on. Help me out. I’m hungry. I gotta make a living. You love horror, right? These are Con exclusives. Come on, these tables aren’t cheap. Whaddya say, buddy? ”

I must have left my body because I saw myself completely giving in by his sales Kung Fu. He sale slayed me. I was almost sobbing as I pointed at the Michael Myers as a penis print.

“That one.”

He pulled it down and autographed it. In what he must have thought as super clever, he added an exclamation in the shape of a penis.

“That would be 45 bones, my man.”

I trembled a smile and gave him my credit card.

In the background, Sean Patrick Flanery gave me a whats up chin and fist pumped in my direction as the black light t-shirt vendor hung on his bicep. She was waving her wand at SPF’s crotch area.  His crotch glowed with a stain.

I cried.

 

Burger King Kids Club Halloween

I have hundreds (and I mean hundreds) of fast food toys. I love them. They remind me of when salt was just salt and not a death sentence. My treasure trove of 90’s fast food toys is dominated by Burger King. I was always a BK kid. I found Kid Vid and his radical pals to be far more cooler than that slap happy clown who was up to something sinister. Never trust a clown!

So I have a ton of neat toys from the golden age of BK. Everything from Pokemon to Bonkers crash cars. However, my collection has one monstrous hole in it. Actually, it far more than a hole. The series that I missed out on goes beyond owning any of the physical toys. I simply cannot remember these toys being advertised! That’s a damn shame since I am a big fan of the Universal Horror Monsters!

Check out this killer Burger King UHM commercial – Burger King Universal Monsters Trailer.

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I have no idea how I missed out on this epic campaign. It could be do to the fact that I was actually fighting monsters instead of playing with them. Pshhh. Ya’ll have no idea what I have seen!

Watching the commercial reminds me of how kick ass fast food toys use to be. Now we get these dinky toys that aren’t even playable. The heck! CAN’T A GUY JUST ORDER A KIDS MEAL SO HE CAN FORGET ABOUT MODERN TIMES!

Ebay hunting I go.

Bye.

 

 

 

Sad Dracula Finds: VHS Treasures! Vol.1

Friday was filled with relaxation. Saturday was pleasantly lost with friends and alcohol. Sunday was, and always will be, the day of the hunt! Sometimes hunting bodacious treasures takes me to Flea Markets, thrift stores or garage sales for stuff. But this time it was centered on a single solitary mission – hunt for VHS Treasures!

98% of horror fans collect VHS. This is fact. My interest in the almighty VHS was rather simple. My mission was to reclaim all the tapes I had as a kid. I suffer from a danger case of nostalgiaitis. (not a word). So began my journey across Chicagoland to collect the movies in my past. I needed to see the old promos. I need to hear the iconic music of each production company when they owned Hollywood. Nothing beats the old New World Pictures or Orion Pictures production title cards.

What turned into collecting the past turned into an addiction. I would come across horror films that I loved but never saw on tape. The boxes would mesmerize me. Before I knew it I purchased whatever horror VHS I found. Me likey forever.

So this Sunday I continued my VHS adventures. You can bet your left knee cap that  I found some very killer pieces. My collection is sophomoric compared to the big wigs out there. However, I could careless about the size of my…tape collection. It’s a grower not a shower.  But I’m feeling a little naughty. Me want to show you growth. I’ve worked hard at it. Shall we begin?

  1. King Kong VHS : 60th Anniversary Special Edition

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First up is this absolutely amazing King Kong 60th anniversary collectors edition tape. This was a perfect find since I saw and reviewed Kong: Skull Island! This golden nugget was released  by Turner Home Entertainment in 1993. The digital remastered soundtrack is tasty but what makes this beauty is the fact that the VHS cover ROARS! A brilliant yellow bubble that hovers over Kong on the cover informs the buyer to press Kongs chest. Once this is done we get to hear what sounds like bad indigestion or a grumpy tiger. Still awesome. Also, check out the opening promos that will open the flood gates of nostalgia!

CHECK IT! – King Kong VHS 1993 PROMO

2. Jaws: The Revenge VHS (98)

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What you look at this ugly piece of work! This 98 Goodtimes Home Video release is simply disgusting….so is Jaws: The Revenge. I love it so! Revenge was one of those movies that I would always watch on TV despite the fact that it offered too much shark and too much Lorraine Gary shoulder pads.

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Revenge is filled with ridiculous fun. It also features sexy Michael Caine as a Jimmy Buffet guy. I assure you will find delight in this trashbag movie after you separate it with it’s grandaddy from 1975.

For further fun check out this awesome VHS promo!

3. WWF’s Undertaker The Phenom VHS

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I’m not a mega fan of wrestling but I do love the attitude era. In this era I watched Undertaker do scary things. This made Sad Dracula excited and scared at the same time. Do you understand these two emotions?! Do you understand a child in the 90’s!? Do you understand THE PHENOM!

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I”m really looking forward to watching this treat. The tape has the feud between Taker and his brother, Kane! So sweet. The Attitude Era was, in my opinion, the greatest era of wrestling, ever. It pushed all sorts of boundaries across the sport and across TV. Without this era Trump would have never been POTUS. Thank you, WWF.

4. Halloween:1999 Restored Collectors Edition – Holographic/Hologram cover!

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When I found this at Half Price I shrieked out loud. I remember seeing this VHS at my old video store on Grand Ave! I haven’t seen it since. It was like finding an old toy in the attic. I never watched this particular VHS. It was the mere image of the Pumpkin transforming to Michael Myers that awed me. I remember if you stood to the side the image would be this demented half Myers/Pumpkin face killer! Ahhh!

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5. THE REST OF THE HOARD!

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Well, times a wasting away so I figured I would reveal the rest of my juicy finds! The haul was a tremendous one for a guy like me. A man on a budget so tight that it makes a Rabbi Mortistein look like a 14 year old girl at the mall with her first paycheck.

Collecting this trash is a stress reliever for me. I enjoy it. It’s cheap. It’s fun. It beats sucking on the bottle. Here’s to infinite happiness!

Kong Superman Punches a Helicopter.

Last week the PODCAST I co-host released  EPISODE 11 in which we gushed over all things King Kong. The episode heavily focused on the upcoming Kong:Skull Island movie that is set to be unleashed March 10th. However, It’s Alive Podcast has a connection with the big hairy guy. Low and behold we found ourselves in possession of a map…

…a map in the form of a ticket to see a sneak screening of KONG: SKULL ISLAND in  beautiful IMAX 3D! My awesome God was it the ultimate monster movie experience that we have all been waiting for.

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Take a gander at the above Japanese poster. For me the poster layout instantly sends me back to when I was a 10 year old kid. It reminds me of how freaking awesome a kids life was in the 90’s. We had awesome monster toys, awesome monster shows and movies, and pretty much awesome everything. Everything was FUN.

The above poster is a perfect representation off what to expect in Kong:Skull Island. It is the ultimate monster/adventure film that we all grew up loving. Strangely we truly never experienced the full capabilities of the Monster Movie genre. That is until now.

I love Kong. I love Godzilla. I love giant monsters destroying things. But in every new monster movie I watched  I wanted more. The best taste of adventure was from Peter Jackson’s Kong. However, that was bogged down by bleakness and too much melodrama sauce. It was a great flick but that monster kid inside wasn’t fully satisfied.

Kong: Skull Island delivers all that was missing. It truly is the best Giant Monster movie to date. Kong is given a new and refreshing role that reminds us why he is King. Also, he’s not a sex offender this time around. Phew.

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“How YOU’s doing, baby?”

 

KONG: Skull Island needs to be seen on the IMAX screen. At times the movie feels like a ride. The IMAX experience enhances that feeling tenfold. But you should see it in the IMAX format anyway.

Why?

Because King Kong Superman punches a  God damn helicopter!

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Go see the big hairy hero. You will not be disappointed. All Hail The King!

Shhh…*Stay after the credits.

 

 

The Future of Horror Part II: The Demon Nun film!

THE DEMON NUN FROM THE CONJURING 2 IS GETTING A SOLO FILM!

I love being right when being right means I am right about something amazing! That something amazing broke earlier today when Hollywood Reporter announced that James Wan and Peter Safran will be producing a Demon Nun spinoff! As you may or may not know, the Demon Nun is Wan’s latest terrifying creation in The Conjuring 2.

The Demon Nun stalks Mrs. Warren!

The Demon Nun was actually a last minute idea by Wan. Hollywood Reporter writes – “the shoot took place in March, just three months before the movie was scheduled to open on June 10. Some of the changes were minor: The art piece that Wilson is painting was altered digitally as the horned demon made way for the demon nun…”

Now that is simply amazing! That is a sign that this movie is destined to become a classic. I love little nuggets like this! I am so glad the God’s of creation blessed Wan with this last minute idea. I knew upon first sighting The Demon Nun would be the new face of horror. You can damn well expect to see awesome Demon Nun merchandise in the very near future.

In Part I of the future of horror article I talked about how The Conjuring 2 would change everything. The announcement about The Demon Nun film only confirms this. This is a perfect opportunity to explore the virtual reality experience! Give us that 4-D experience, baby!

Imagine this if you will: you reach the theater doors. It’s closed. On the doors are upside down crucifixes. The faint sound of The Demon Nun score spills out of the theater as you open the doors. You can’t see anything because thick smog is billowing from an unknown source. As you enter the theater, you trigger a motion detector that activates a animatronic of The Demon Nun! She lunges. You run to your seats, heart beating out of your chest. You fumble with your VR headset, wondering if you can handle The Demon Nun….Can I get an amen?

Go see the The Conjuring 2, folks. It’s one hell of a summer blockbuster!

The Future of Horror: How The Conjuring 2 Will Change Everything.

After three days of The Conjuring 2 rampaging around my head like a devilish poltergeist, I have come to two solid facts: The Conjuring 2 is the blockbuster horror film that the genre has been desperately needing. Second, the Conjuring 2 is the blueprint for the future of horror cinema.

Horror is one of the most remarkable genres in all of cinema. Not only has it has been around since the dawn of film, it has also created subcategories such as the Slasher, Creature Feature, and Found Footage Horror just to tickle a few of its many bones. And let’s face it, it’s hands down the most profitable genre for any filmmaker or studio. People love being scared; it’s a drug.

People have paid money to feel that rush for over 100 years. I can’t speak for others who watch horror movies, but I always turn one on when I’m depressed. The feeling of being scared by fictional images always slash away any feelings of depression or worrying thoughts. It’s a stress reducer; I know I’m safe from the horrors within the celluloid. Yet I still let it crawl under my skin until it clutches my heart. But this feeling we all love is a drug. And we want more of it!

"lets get high."

“lets get high.”

So how can we increase our dosage of fear? And how the hell does The Conjuring 2 play into our delicious habit? It’s simple – TC2 is the horror blockbuster we needed because it’s the blueprint to the future of the horror genre. When I was watching The Hodgson family go through their nightmare, I literally felt as if I was in the Enfield house with them. This was all because of Director James Wan and cinematographer Don Burgess’s damn fine job using the camera in unique and involving ways. Without spoilers, we spent a beautiful amount of time in the point-of-view of the family members; when the mother looked through the door, we were forced to look at what she saw (we all nearly died in fright ) As I mentioned in in my previous article the camera had us possessed. A particular scene involving one of the girls under her sheets had me convinced I saw the future of it all; almost instantly I turned to my fiance and said, “This is why Virtual Reality is perfect for horror.”

Virtual Reality is not science fiction. It’s real. I’ve tasted it. You can google virtual reality headsets and easily buy one for under $50! That means the technology is getting easier and easier to develop. We already have some virtual reality scenes/movies that transport you to a different place or time. The technology is at our fingertips. We can finally experience a main stream horror release in Virtual Reality.

Hold on, hold on! I understand that watching an entire movie this way would be distracting to the story. What I am proposing is to introduce key jump scenes, or dread scenes as I call them. For example, something pops out as we walk down a hallway or peek through a door. Imagine watching the end scene in The Conjuring 2 when everything is going to hell inside the house! That would literally scare the crap out of people. Imagine a VR re-release of The Exorcist (Regan’s room in VR?!) How about a VR re-release of Paranormal Activity!? The possibilities are endless! Sure the movie screen would have to be curved to a certain degree, sure a comfortable headset would have to be created, and sure that means the price would have to increase. Innovation means change and change means money. I don’t care. I think it’s worth extra coin to experience something like that, and I think most people would agree with me.

Going to the movies used to be an experience. Now that we’re in the 21st century, the experience needs to change. Why can’t it? Why shouldn’t it? Why not push the boundaries past the shadows of familiarity? TC2 showed us with fancy camera work, insane scares, and terrifying characters that the future of horror is ready for something more. We are hungry and ready to experience horror like we have never seen it before. The blueprint is all in The Conjuring 2. Let’s get our fix.

By the way – don’t tell me I’m delusional. Warner Bros has already released a taste of the VR future!

WITNESS #theconjuring2 VR HORROR!

Directors Who Should Make A Horror Film.

So I was under the shower when I had a fun thought slash across my mind : What if the Coen Brothers made a horror movie?! It would simply be amazing.

This led to me thinking about a few other directors who, for unknown reasons, have not explored this oh so juicy genre. I was actually feeling a bit sad. So I decided to call out a few of these talents in hopes of shinning a light on the fact they would be great for the genre!

Let us begin!

1. Martin Scorsese – This legend has come close with Cape Fear and Shutter Island. However, those are purely thrillers. I want to see him lend his vision to true horror. Knowing his work, I can see him entering the supernatural subgenre. Maybe a hotel haunted by Mafia ghosts! Whooaaaa!!

2.  Jeff Nichols – The filmmaker that gave us Shotgun Stories, Mud, and Take Shelter. His muse is the great Michael Shannon. Imagine these two playing with a dark, Southern Gothic spookfest!

3. Coen Brothers – The brothers would literally create the most epic horror film of all time. I smell an all American slasher film set in a small town. Drooling.

4. Clint Eastwood – I demand a brutal and bloody western that deals with Native American monsters. That is all.

5. Farrelly Brothers- The Dumb and Dumber creators would be perfect for a ridiculous horror comedy. We are do for one.

Well, that’s all for now. Bye.

Godzilla USA: Why it failed.

In 2014 the world finally received another Hollywood constructed Godzilla film. Boy, did me and my best friend nerd out on the trailer. This was it. This was the big one! The one that would give us the King of Monsters to the max!

We collectively agreed that under Legendary Pictures guidance, (post TDK trilogy) Godzilla would reign mighty once again. A franchise would be born once again. We had no idea how sadly wrong we would be.

I would like to ramble on and on why Godzilla 2014 missed the mark. At this time I will only mention one thing since I’m about to fly out the door: The Writer stated in an interview that they he never saw the original 1954 film until he got the job.

Atomic fire breath.

Atomic fire breath everywhere.