Horror 2000: The Greatest Decade of Horror

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One of the most significant decades of horror correlated with my stint as a high school dink. The decade was the 2000’s. And it is one of THE GREATEST DECADES OF HORROR OF ALL TIME.

Great horror stems from significant points in global and/or national history. For example, in the 50’s you had the rise of what I call “Atomic Horror” in which the theatergoer was showered with alien invasions, mega-monster, and science gone wrong horror flicks like Godzilla, Creature from The Black Lagoon, The Blog, The Mole People, etc.

Another prime example of anthropology through horror films would be the Vietnam War. The impact was so powerful it bled over to help create the horror of the ’80s. Our innocence in life was lost in the jungle.

It was through the folly of a war at home and abroad that created The Texas Chainsaw Massacre where the innocence of a road trip with buddies was taken away,  the innocence of a beach was damned forever by Jaws, or even purity of parenthood was blackened by likes of The Exorcist and The Omen. Eventually, the vibrant and violent 70’s turned us into lost children of the ’80s where Satanic Panic, ultra-violence led to the rise of the slasher.

That’s why I believe the anthropological connection to horror of the 2000s will go down as one of the greatest decades of horror of all time. And It was because of the tragedy of 9/11 that horror was resurrected.

The 90’s damned near killed the horror film. The decade was wrought with unfocused horror. It’s not a bad thing because we do have a ton of gems from the ’90s. But we had a wide net which reeled in movies like Blade, The Haunting, Scary Movie, It, Tremors, and Scream which sort of defined the state of horror at the time – bored.

The year 2000 started it looked like we would get yet another decade of bored horror with released like American Psycho ( great movie btw), Dracula 2000, Final Destination, and smattering of ghost flicks. The ’90s and the year 2000 created Scary Movie. That should help sum up how lost the horror ship was. That is until the entire world was changed in a single morning when four airplanes were hijacked by assholes who hated everybody but themselves.

In comes the year 2002 which the world gets horror movies like 28 Days Later, Resident Evil, and Dog Soldiers. Though these movies were not constructed because of the terrorist attack they, eerily enough, fit perfectly in the tragedy of what was to come. In 28 Days and Resident Evil, you had a world turned upside down, and in Dog Soldiers you had soldiers fighting a new and unknown enemy.

But it was the horror films in 2003 that truly gave way to the results of 9/11. Suddenly, ghosts, slapstick, and action-horror was overtaken by A House of 1,000 Corpses, High Tension ( 2003 reg release but 2005  US release), Wrong Turn, and the essential remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Once again, the horror genre had a true purpose. It was inspired. That inspiration created 2004’s Dawn of the Dead and Shaun of the Dead which single handily re-animated the zombie genre. We also experienced the dawn of a new franchise – Saw.  One of the most interesting realizations I found in my research was that every massive human event gave birth to a significant zombie film.

The world we lived in would continue to be ripped apart and our innocence would, once again, be stripped from us. In the middle of the decade, we would find ourselves forced to experience Torture Porn in the classic Hostel. We would also find ourselves at the mercy of movies like The Devils Rejects, The Descent, and Wolf Creek. Each of these movies added our fear of traveling, random acts of violence, and they made us aware that the world is filled with people that want to kill you for reasons you may never understand.

As the war of terror raged and terrorists continued to commit unthinkable acts, the year 2006 continued to remind us that all that you love can be taken away with the release of The Hills Have Eyes, Texas Chainsaw: The Begining, Them, Black Christmas, and Turistas. The decade would continue to rehash remakes and sequels that would add value to the state of horror.

My final year of High School was in 2007. It was at this time when I found myself working at a movie theater, chilling with my friends, and flexing my movie-making interests. It was also the year that we got The Mist, 28 Weeks Later, Death Proof/Planet Terror, The Orphanage, Trick R’ Treat, Vacancy, Hostel Part II, REC, and Rob Zombies Halloween.

The decade was almost over but the war continued, and violence across America raged. This would be shown to us in the 2008 releases of The Strangers; a film that owned the year. I can still remember watching the trailer as I checked ID’s at the entrance. I actually witnessed a girl run out of the theater in fear. No joke. Anyways, we did receive gems like The Ruins and Splinter but the year would also give way to the genesis of found-footage horror flicks such as Quarantine and Cloverfield.

When 2009 came to be I found myself in film school. But I also found myself completely lost. I took on this Bob Dylan like persona that ended up cutting a hollow hole inside me. That mixed with massive family drama wrecked me totally. It was around this time that the decade of great horror hit its peak with the release of Human Centipede. the trash bag release of Friday the 13th,  Anti-Christ, Zombieland, and the cheap thrills of Drag Me To Hell. All of these films tasted like microwaved hotdogs.

The world had finally become weary of all the real-life rot the decade had to offer. The United States introduced a new president, Swine Flu hit, and the world lost an icon of humanity – Michael Jackson. The horror of  9/11 seemed like a faded image from a polaroid camera.

The nature of horror greatness will always bring forth a dark time. But when The Oughts ended, I can’t help but notice it brought forward a slew of horror films that did not find proper accolades because the new decade, the 10’s, did not really have a pulse. Matter of fact, horror hasn’t had a resurrection since the 2000s. Sure, we had some gems but the entire horror genre was random, scattered, and simply lost.

I look back at the 2000s with all my nostalgic love. The decade gave me my life skills, my best friend, and memories that I will have forever. It was the defining decade of my life. It was also the defining decade of horror. If I could put the horror of 2000’s on a greatest hits bundle – this is what it would look like:

  • 2000 – American Psycho
  • 2001 – The Devils Backbone
  • 2002 – 28 Days Later
  • 2003 – House of 1,000 Corpses
  • 2004 – Shaun of the Dead
  • 2005 – Hostel & Wolf Creek
  • 2006 – The Hills Have Eyes
  • 2007 – Halloween
  • 2008 – The Strangers
  • 2009 – The Human Centipede

 

 

 

 

Us horror movie- Jordan Peele is NOT a master of horror.

Jordan Peele is NOT a master of horror.

But he sure as hell could be if the following happens:

  1. Us is another smash hit for the genre
  2. His 3rd horror film is a smash hit
  3. Has a successful genre show (Twilight Zone becomes a sensation)
  4. He makes a crap 4th film that becomes a cult classic

These are the 4 rules of becoming a horror icon. Don’t believe me? Just looks at the Crazy Uncle of horror John Carpenter’s holy trilogy: Halloween, The Fog and The Thing.

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“Somebody pay me!”

Still not convinced? Check out the cool Uncle of Horror – Wes Craven’s Holy Trilogy: The Last House on the Left, The Hills Have Eyes and A Nightmare on Elm Street. However, Mr. Craven’s entire career was filled with classics and cult classics. But it is his holy trilogy that skyrocketed him to success!

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“Don’t forget about me!”

And let us not forget the author turned legendary director Stephen King!

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Stephen King filming Maximum Overdrive while on Cocaine 

God. If Us turns into a bad horror flick we will all be sad. After all, Jordan Peele is a fucking guy that has shocked us all (especially white folk).

Here’s to hoping Jordan Peele becomes a horror icon!

 

GET YOUR TIX: https://www.usmovie.com/

 

Sam and Colby = Creepy Youtube Gold!

When I’m bored I like to look around the Youtube machine for creepy videos. Strangely enough, finding original content is hard. Everything is creepypasta this and crappypasta that. So when I found out about these two cats named Sam and Colby I was fucking pumped because they literally have movie quality vids….Christ, did I really just write “vids?”

Below you’ll find their adventures into an abandoned insane asylum. From the editing to the dramatic music, these kids should be making fucking horror flicks. Until they do, I will forever be watching their Youtube channel. And so should you!

 

The Phantom Neighbor

I am currently the only resident in my 3 unit apartment. For the last two nights someone has been trying to open my apartment door.

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I never investigate it. But I know it’s real because as I write this my door knob is slowly shaking. I can hear the groaning of the wooden entry door as if someone is pushing against it.

I’m sitting on my couch. I have a stupid pocket knife from 5 Below in my hand as I watch my door being tried. I’m careful not to make any noise.

The world is a mad, mad place. Some people kill for money or drugs. And some people kill for the hell of it. Whoever was fucking with me obviously fit amongst these types of people. But I sure as hell wasn’t going out without a fight. That is if the the door was breached. It wasn’t. Thank God. All I need to do is keep absolutely silent.

And that’s when my phone started to ring…

Sad Dracula Finds Halloween Stuff!

What’s this? What’s this?! There’s something in the air! I beg thee do not fear. For Halloween is here!

And it is at this time that I would like to share, if you care, my finds so far of this most delightful season.

So as the Autumn clock slowly ticks, take a look at these Halloween pics!

99 cents for a new friend? Not bad!

Zombie hand gummy lollipop? Yes x100!!

I found this guy at Goodwill. It’s licensed from New Line Cinema. I think it was supposed to be a Freddy Krueger scarecrow!

Three 50 foot Bud Light cardboard banners and 4 Omega Virus board games. Life is good!

That horse mask is terrifying!

I found this across the street from my place. He wins Halloween

We all float at AMC Theater

The new Pennywise deserves this spot!

So happy to see that Leatherface is getting some shelf time.

My podcast partner and I found these awesome cardboard standees at an all night flea market!

The Munsters carriage was at the all night flea market as well. So freaking awesome

Well that sums up my brief Encounters with Halloween 2017. I’ll definitely be posting more pictures in the near future.

If you have the time I would love if you took a look at and followed me on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. I try to post a bunch of random stuff that hopefully will make you smile.

Also please check out the podcast I co-host, It’s Alive! A horror and nostalgia driven show where we discuss pretty much everything an anything spooky!

ITS ALIVE! Horror and Halloween Nostalgia show

The Mystery of Stanley Avenue.

Last weekend I decided to call off work and visit my favorite person in the world – my Grandmother. What was supposed to be a normal day filled with our usual platter of tasty conversation, in which we can (and often do!) discuss everything from current affairs to history, turned into a day brimming with unexpected mystery!

The day started with coffee and eggs at this very quaint little restaurant cleverly named, The Egg Beater Cafe. We gobbled up the most delicious eggs that I have ever had while discussing the troubles of the world. Our conversation seemingly was directed by the televisions hanging on the wall that softly spewed the news. Conversating this way is always a fun exercise. My Grandma and I are both chatty-cathy’s; so keeping whatever topic is at hand

Conversating this way is always a fun exercise. My Grandma and I are both chatty-cathy’s; so keeping whatever topic is at hand short is near impossible. Anyways, our bellies were full and the coffee was drunk in abundance. It was time for us to move on.

Somehow we both knew that the day was going to be one of exploration. Perhaps it was something in the cool September air that started an awakening in our bones. Whatever it was wanted us to find and experience the mystery that we stumbled upon.

Before our adventure began I needed to go to the library to attend to some personal affairs that required a printer. As we drove I asked Grams about a library she took me to when I was ten. I couldn’t remember what library it had been but I remember it was where she rented the Lord of the Rings audio tapes for me. We both scratched our heads in an attempt to wipe away the fog of the past. It was a lost cause. But at the last minute, she suggested two libraries. And at the last possible minute, we both agreed to set course for the Riverside Public Library. Unbeknownst to us, our choice would bring us to the mystery of Stanley Avenue.

We both scratched our heads in an attempt to wipe away the fog of the past. It was a lost cause. But at the last minute, she suggested two libraries. And at the last possible minute, we both agreed to set course for the Riverside Public Library. Unbeknownst to us, our choice would bring us to the mystery of Stanley Avenue.

Standing in front of the Riverside Public Library, I discovered that Grams and I shared an affinity for historic architecture.  As I write this I wonder if our trip to ancient England popped into her mind. I know it did for me as my eyes gasped at the enchanting library that lay before us.

libOLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAHogwarts much? Why can’t all libraries be this awesome? The modern library, though good for the community, suck when it comes to design. I would have totally lived in a library as a kid if it looked like it could be a place for wizards and witches!

The unknown ghost of exploration was at play. For when we looked at the stone block that contained the date the building was erected, it had ties to Grams! Construction of the library started in 1930. That’s the same year Grams was born!

After the library, we explored the little town of Riverside.  The town itself is a picture perfect town that belongs in a Ray Bradbury book. It’s seriously so tidy and American it started to feel weird. We loved it! Grams wanted to take me to this swinging bridge that passed over the Des Plaines River. I have never been on an actual swinging bridge! I was pumped!

Grams wanted to take me to this swinging bridge that passed over the near by Des Plaines River. I have never been on an actual swinging bridge! Grams hyped the hell out of the bridge. I was pumped!

Expectations.

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George Lucas and Steven Spielberg on the Temple of Doom bridge

 

Reality.

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H. Wallace Caldwell Memorial Bridge in Riverside, IL

I guess a guy and his Grandmother can’t get everything in one single adventure! However, this bridge is not insignificant to this tale.  It is rather crucial to this story. It was this bridge that led to our very most unexpected discovery!

After crossing the bridge and surviving the insane amount of weirdo bugs, we entered an isolated section of the Cermak Woods. A single paved road was our only path. The road was Stanley Avenue.

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As we walked further down Stanley Ave. something caught my eye. Now, keep in mind that we thought we were entering a forest preserve path. We did not expect to encounter what I am about to mention. It was simply beyond the realm of reason to think beyond the usual sights of a Forest Preserve path. So, dear reader, what my Grams and I encountered was an entire community of houses left abandoned. It was as if the people of Stanely Avenue simply just vanished.

So, dear reader, what my Grams and I encountered was an entire community of houses left abandoned. Windows smashed or boarded up. Clothing, garbage, and other items strewn about. It was as if the people of Stanely Avenue simply just vanished.

The following pictures will reveal these homes to you as we found them. In some pictures, you will see toys, bikes, and other signs of life. These items were strangely left behind as if the owners fled over night. I can’t stress that enough. It was so freaking eerie.

A little research revealed that every single home pictured was built in 1899. The only other bit of information I found was a newspaper article from 1969. The article calls attention to a major flood crisis that the community was forced to endure.

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The town was edged by the always flooding Des Plaines river. However, modern life has lived on Stanley Avenue since. What happened to these people? Why did they up and leave? It could simply be the effects of the 07’/08′ housing bubble. Or did they leave out of fear? Fear of something evil within the Cermak woods.

Before you wave that away let me tell you this: Grams and I found the remnants of an actual Ouija board! I shit you not. Don’t believe me? Take a look!

But as the great Billy May’s once said, “But wait! That’s not all!”

I decided to look further into the town of Riverside and the Cermak Woods. What I discovered was absolutely freaking eerie. I discovered that the town roots consisted of 8% Czech. Yeah? So? Let me tell you why this is so creepy.

What’s creepy is that the word ‘CERMAK’ is a Czech word used as a nickname for the Devil. Yup.

With that in mind, I will let you peruse through the photos I took. I tried my best to capture what I saw. However, my phone did die faster than expected while taking the pictures. I shit you not. The battery somehow went from 70% to 0% in a matter of 30 minutes.

Shall we begin?

 

 

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The First House We Found

 

 

When Grams and I explored the ruination of the first house we were completely in awe! The experience and discovery will be something that I will never forget. It was the total synchronicity of our emotions. We were both in a state of wonder of what lay before us. Sharing such an experience with my favorite person is simply special. But let’s get back to the creepy stuff!

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Grams raises her arms to push past the brush!

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House 2

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This was the house where we found the Ouija board box!

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We almost missed this because of the brush. A staircase that led to a secret garden and pond!

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This sign was nailed to the garage. WTF?

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Found at a dead end road.

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Halloween deco found in the woods that surrounded the home.

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A monster of a house hiding at the end of the road.

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Garbage was littered everywhere.

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Grass took over the brick pavers.

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Smashed window. What secrets lay within?

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Inside we heard a shrill beep, beep. We deduced it was a dead smoke alarm.

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It was as if the kids simply…vanished.

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The Devil in yellow. Do you see it?

 

What my Grams and I found on Stanely Avenue will be one of those stories that we will talk about every time we see each other. It was a day that was meant to be. So many little things fell together for us to have this adventure. I am so damn lucky to have a Grams that loves to explore and go on adventures such as this one. One thing is for sure, we will always wonder what happened to the people of Stanely Avenue.

 

We saw IT!

We saw the IT movie! And of course we just had to record about our experience. Yes. It’s all SPOILER FREE. We aren’t monsters!

Below you will find the link to the podcast. But before you do let me just say how great Bill Skarsgard’s performance is as our favorite insane clown, Pennywise. He is truly a terrifying monster. If you never feared clowns before, I am sure you will after you see his delicious performance. I seriously can’t stop thinking about all the little things he did and said. Creepy!

Anyways, we truly appreciate all the support we get with It’s Alive! Horror Podcast. Chris and I have been talking this way since we met in High School. That was over ten years ago. We just hope you have fun with it too! And don’t forget to get involved. We love feedback and chitchat. Your opinion matters!

 

EPISODE 15.

It’s an unusually stormy September night here at the crypt. And with that, we take advantage of the atmosphere by paying an early visit to a certain killer clown. With an advanced screening of Stephen King’s It fresh in our skulls we discuss if one of the most anticipated horror films of the year sinks […]

via Ep. 15: Sink or Float — It’s Alive! Horror Podcast

I bought a box of 26 year old Addams Family Cereal.

A couple of weeks ago I had a Tuesday off. I’m still adjusting to the rather random schedule of my e-commerce job but having a day off while the majority of the world works is a very bodacious thing.

The first thing I did was stand by my window, wearing my lucky Star Wars underwear, and laugh like Tim Curry in Legend as the sad-sacks outside trudged to work.

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That lasted for about fifteen minutes. But what could I do with the rest of my time off? Should I tighten up my personal financial reports? Should I continue plotting my screenplay? Or should I clean up my apartment and fight off the sentient broccoli instide my fridge? The world was my Oyster. I was going to use this day to better myself. So I went to my local antique Store and purchased a 26 year old box of Addams Family Cereal.

The world was my Oyster. I knew was going to use this day to better myself. I was going to fire up my inner Tony Robbins and kick the day in the ass.  So I went to my local antique store and purchased a 26 year old box of Addams Family Cereal.

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It’s been two weeks and I’m still not sure if I’m proud of buying cereal that’s 2 years my junior. A mystery that haunts the top of my fridge.

What drove me to this $4 dollar purchase was the fact I had no idea that The Addams Family movie dipped its toes in the cereal world. I was really freaking amazed.  Don’t be surprised by this. I missed out on a crap ton of cool stuff from the 90’s because of life. But that’s why I have this blog. To fill in the blanks. The Addams Family Cereal find will be one of many for me.

This awesome website – Mr. Breafast – gives a nice breakdown on the history and contents of this very cool cereal tie-in. Read all about it by clicking the link. 

Examining the box really made me miss how freaking awesome everything was back in the day. We can’t even get NEW Halloween cereal despite the fact that Halloween has never been hotter. Imagine if the new Ghostbusters movie or the Goosebumps movie had a cereal! I know Goosebumps did it before. Why not do it for the new movie?!

Missed opportunities, guys!

Just look The Addams Family Cereal box. Look at the design. I don’t know if the corporate fat cats from the 90’s were far more creative or gutsy. Whatever the X-factor they had needs to come back to 2017.

 

“THE CREEPY, CRUNCH CEREAL WITH THE GREAT TASTE YOU’LL SCREAM FOR.”

Even the catchphrase on the cereal is awesome. Not impressed? Check out the commercial!

 

Watching this really made me want more modern cereal movie tie-ins. I don’t care for the superhero stuff. I’m talking spooky movies damn it!

Just imagine if the IT movie randomly came out with a Pennywise themed cereal. It would be kinda like Cap’n Crunch Crunch Berries. The various colored berries would be Pennywise’s balloons. The box would be white with his face dominating the entire front. The catchphrase?

The title: Pennywises Sugar Pops!

The catchphrase?

“It’s so good, you’ll float too!”   

And for the collectible?

A mini plastic Pennywise that changes his face when you press a button on his back!   

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Oh boy. Now I’m sad. Maybe I’ll just eat this 26 year old box of Addams Family cereal and think about what could be but never will be.

-Sad Dracula.

I Found the Devil at Flashback Weekend.

The green and red mohawked man’s jean jacket vest was covered in the most extreme horror patches and buttons I had ever seen. He had patches dedicated to Cannibal Holocaust and pins featuring Charles Band’s shit-tastic pile of cinema trash. But it wasn’t these obnoxious displays of identity that disturbed me so; it was the pinned patch in the center of his jacket that read, “Ask Me About Satan.”

These horror conventions are drowning with all sorts of characters. Here, you’ll find Halloween-Heads, Horror critics, Punks, and even the ultra rare, almost extinct legend that is the Goth. So it wasn’t really the patch that had my heart pumping faster than normal. It was his aura.

I’m almost positive this guy felt me judging his patches because he turned around and grinned straight at my face. I pulled my eyes away and started awkwardly staring at some shitty homemade spooky candles that some aged punk rocker chick was selling.

But what the fuck did I see? It was only a brief glance but I’m almost positive the Satan patched dude had tiny sharp teeth and bible black eyes! I decided to steal another glance.

Confirmed! The guy was still staring at me and he had the blackest fucking eyes I had ever seen. Shark eyes. The eyes that Quint from Jaws spoke about. Before I could process the thought through my energy drink trenched brain, the guy turned around and walked swiftly through the crowd. And I did the stupidest thing anybody could do after seeing a sharp toothed guy with devil eyes: I followed.

I pushed past a fat Freddy who was delivering one out of a thousand cheesy Nightmare lines. Fred cosplay voices are equivalent to Heath Ledger Joker cosplay voices so I couldn’t help but wince. But doing this distracted me from focusing on the man with the ‘Ask me about Satan patch. And that’s when I crashed into Sean Patrick Flanery.

S.P.F (thanks Chris) was fist pumping to terrible music. He smiled and audibly hooted in some sort of cocaine or super fruit vitamin burst. I looked past his orange glow to see my target farther than I wanted him to be. Flanery hooted again and invited me to a shared pump of the fists.

“Not now, Junior!”

I pushed past him.and continued my search for the Satan guy. I couldn’t locate him! I hissed a curse as I desperately scanned the buzzing convention floor like a T-800.

Target acquired! I found him taking a selfie with some big boobed girl with tattoos that she could not have gotten sober. With some sort of stupid courage, I hit continue in this stupid game of cat and mouse!

Just as I was about to reach him, or IT, a t-shirt vendor ambushed me.

“Don’t be shy! Take a look at all our overpriced t-shirts!” said the vendor who grew up on the Twilight Saga.

“Cool but, uh-”

“I know right?! See they all glow under black light?! You see? How cool is that – black light?”

She giggled and flashed a black-light wand like some 12-year-old girl high on rock candy. I wasn’t in the market for stupid shirts but I knew I couldn’t escape this trap so easily. So, I let her have it.

“Why the fuck would I pay $35 dollars for a shirt that turns on with a light that I’ll never encounter unless I’m raving with the crew from Return of the Living Dead? And if I’m exposed to said light I’d be risking the embarrassing fact that I have a ton of cum stain on and around my crotch area. Goodbye.”

Using my rudeness as Bat-smoke, I zipped past her and rounded the corner to where I saw the Mohawk Satan go.

“GOD DAMN IT!” I roared.

The fucker was gone! A wave of panic started to sit on my chest as I looked around like Charles Band looking for a paycheck. Was this going to be one of those crazy ass stories that would haunt my mind until the day I die? The story about the time I saw a real demon at a horror con. What a story that could have been.

The chemicals in my brain did a little dance and I felt depressed as I gloomily walked away to continue my gazing at Lance Henrikson’s liver spots.

“Hey.”

A cigarette cracked voice behind me said. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. Somehow, someway I knew this voice belonged to HIM!

My heart pumped faster than Sean Patrick Flanery’s fist as I slowly turned around to confront whatever he or IT was.

His eyes were blacker than black. His teeth; yellow jagged abominations that could rip flesh from bone. Under his jean jacket vest, he wore a simple Hanes undershirt with a crude image of an upside down Crucified Jesus. This guy was the real fucking deal!

With a smile, he presented a large black book to me. The book was made of leather. The cover had the Satanic pentagram etched in fine gold ink. I know what this was. It was the Book of Satan! Once I sign it he would give me whatever I wanted! Just like in The Witch movie!

“Wanna check out my portfolio?”.

My saucer wide eyes and slit mouthed grin instantly dropped.

“Whaa?”

The devil guy chortled, put up his index finger to me as if to tell me to hold on. With his other hand, he pulled out his yellow teeth with a slurp. A line of spit webbed from his mouth and fake teeth. The spit string snapped.

“Damn teeth. Gotta love Spirit Halloween, uh?” He chortled again in merriment. “Wanna check out my portfolio. I’m an artist.”

My jaw fell to the floor. That’s when I noticed he was standing behind a booth that read: Vincent Vicious: Dark Mind, Dark Soul, Dark Art.

This guy fucking just baited me right up the ass! I started tearing up as I grabbed his book of art and flipped it opened. Inside I found life like pictures of classic horror icons like Freddy, Jason, and Dracula. The only thing was they were all drawn like Penises. The guy who I thought was an agent of Satan drew life like horror icons as if they were life like dicks. What. The. Fuck.

My lips trembled as tears softly fell down my cheeks. I Sad Dracula’d hard as I walked further into his trap by complimenting his Horror Penis talents.

“That’s soo…original.”

The asshole smiled a beautiful set of teeth. His right black eyeball popped out. A contact. He pulled the other one out. Two beautiful blue eyes twinkled at me.

“Not biggie. Got them cheap on Amazon. Free shipping with Prime. Total win. Wanna buy a print?”

He pointed at a selection of 8×5 prints of his dick art. He had everything from Regan from The Exorcist to a big black King Kong.

“Come on. Help me out. I’m hungry. I gotta make a living. You love horror, right? These are Con exclusives. Come on, these tables aren’t cheap. Whaddya say, buddy? ”

I must have left my body because I saw myself completely giving in by his sales Kung Fu. He sale slayed me. I was almost sobbing as I pointed at the Michael Myers as a penis print.

“That one.”

He pulled it down and autographed it. In what he must have thought as super clever, he added an exclamation in the shape of a penis.

“That would be 45 bones, my man.”

I trembled a smile and gave him my credit card.

In the background, Sean Patrick Flanery gave me a whats up chin and fist pumped in my direction as the black light t-shirt vendor hung on his bicep. She was waving her wand at SPF’s crotch area.  His crotch glowed with a stain.

I cried.

 

Halloween is 100 Days Away.

STOP what you are doing! Halloween is 100 days away! This means we can officially start celebrating our most sacred Holiday!  

HOORAY!

I like to kick off my celebration by watching a couple of Halloween movies. However, their is a rule that I always obey- I will not watch the original Halloween until all Hallows Eve draws closer! This is fine with me because the franchise is filled with goodness. 

One of my favorites is H20. I already watched it not ‘so long ago but it has great rewatch value. Plus, the VHS has a killer CREED video at the end. Can you taste the 90’s.

Another thing I need to do is start tossing up some decorations. I’m planning on making my apartment into the coolest haunt this side of Instagram because I have no physical friends. I’m talking vintage spookiness mixed with a dash of blood, pumpkins and monsters galore.

I’m also working on a killer Spotify playlist that will bring out the dead. Music is super important to my resurrection of Halloween. It keeps the pumpkin blood flowing. Ya feel me?

So how are you getting ready for Halloween? What is the first thing you do to celebrate? Whatever it is I just hope you do it because ain’t nothing better than some HALLOWEEN. 

Moving forward The Graveyard Machine will be diving into all things Halloween.

 Now, let’s have some fun.