Horror 1988: Slime City!

One of my favorite things to do when I’m bored is to watch random horror trailers for movies that I have never seen. What’s even better is when I find a trailer to a horror flick that I have never heard of! The feeling of seeing something totally virgin is a damn treat. I’m not saying I’ve seen every single horror movie in the universe. What I’m saying is I’ve heard or come across a dungeon full of horror films so it makes it tough for me to be surprised.

But that’s all going to change starting tonight. The tiny red monster inside me scream for virgin horror cinema. And by golly I will appease its Kong sized appetite! My goal is to select a specific year in horror and pillage it until the red monster is satisfied. This is Graveyard Machine Mission! But every mission must have a game plan. Or maybe just a rough idea of game plan that could potentially be a game plan but out of pure laziness we will not actually have a game plan but a nugget of plan that could be grow into something that looks like a game plan.

Boring! I will do this rough and on the edge! I have selected by year in horror. Now, I could have picked any year. The world is my oyster but I felt like I should pick a year that is special to me. That year is the year the world was given the greatest gift of all time – me. The year is 1988.

The year of my birth is filled with some top shelf horror films. But it’s also bursting with absolutely ridiculous horror movies. So it’s with disgusting pleasure that I present to you the first trailer from Horror: 1988. I give to you the most disgusting horror trailer that I have ever seen.

slimecity

Watching the trailer for Slime City literally had me tasting the yellow pus and goop that seemed to dominate it. It also had me shaking my head and wondering why the heck didn’t I see this in high school! This type of film is awesome garbage. Nice hot, sticky garbage that you pass around to your friends. The movie is apparently about a couple moving into an apartment. The main face takes some sort of drink that turns him into a slimy murderer. YOU HAVE TO WATCH THIS TRAILER!

Tell me that wasn’t the most over the top, sanitize your eyeballs trailer you’ve ever seen?! The effects are simply amazing. The gruesomeness is on par with anything I have ever seen. That’s including any Fulci film. Bold statement but true.

Slim City is clearly pure exploitation slop. It’s these kinds of films that you want to watch with a group of friends on a Saturday night. Selecting films at random was sort of a risky decision. I could have wasted three minutes of my life. I’m glad I didn’t waste my precious minutes with this trailer.

SLIME CITY is a Graveyard Machine must watch.

Midnight Trailer Treat: Dead Silence (2007)

My golden age of horror continues in this brand new Midnight Trailer Treat! Tonight I present the absolutely creepy 2007 release, DEAD SILENCE.

I remember seeing this the first weekend it came out; I got off of work early on Friday morning, picked up some popcorn, and sat my butt down in an empty theater. The feeling of someone coming up behind me and ripping my jaw off still haunts me to this day. I honestly love this movie; I watched it twice in theaters. Plus, I own the unrated cut on DVD.

The film was conjured up (haha) by Saw creators James Wan and Leigh Whannell. The reason why I love this movie is because it plays out like a twisted fairy tale. The film did bombed at the box office, but I think that’s because it was way ahead of its time.

Having watched it again, I can see a young horror icon in James Wan budding. We even got an early creepy creation from him by way of Mary Shaw the lead creeper in Dead Silence. Check out the below image. If that doesn’t give you the pimples of fear then I’m not sure who or what you are.

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5/5 Buy it!

I found Ecto-Cooler!

My best bud and I finally found Ecto-Cooler in the wild after almost 4 weeks of hunting! It was worth every second, step, and eventual mile!

Twitter Me!

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We found it by accident, really. We decided to grab some sodie pop at the Marianos. It was in juice aisle that we realized Ecto-Cooler may be lurking somewhere within.

I pulled a picture from my cellular device, and showed an employee what I desired.

“Oh. Aisle 4.” he said in a voice that would make Donald Trump feel judged.

We scrambled like fiends to aisle #4. God is real.

This article has no point besides bragging about juice.

End.

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@Chris Does Comics

The Future of Horror Part II: The Demon Nun film!

THE DEMON NUN FROM THE CONJURING 2 IS GETTING A SOLO FILM!

I love being right when being right means I am right about something amazing! That something amazing broke earlier today when Hollywood Reporter announced that James Wan and Peter Safran will be producing a Demon Nun spinoff! As you may or may not know, the Demon Nun is Wan’s latest terrifying creation in The Conjuring 2.

The Demon Nun stalks Mrs. Warren!

The Demon Nun was actually a last minute idea by Wan. Hollywood Reporter writes – “the shoot took place in March, just three months before the movie was scheduled to open on June 10. Some of the changes were minor: The art piece that Wilson is painting was altered digitally as the horned demon made way for the demon nun…”

Now that is simply amazing! That is a sign that this movie is destined to become a classic. I love little nuggets like this! I am so glad the God’s of creation blessed Wan with this last minute idea. I knew upon first sighting The Demon Nun would be the new face of horror. You can damn well expect to see awesome Demon Nun merchandise in the very near future.

In Part I of the future of horror article I talked about how The Conjuring 2 would change everything. The announcement about The Demon Nun film only confirms this. This is a perfect opportunity to explore the virtual reality experience! Give us that 4-D experience, baby!

Imagine this if you will: you reach the theater doors. It’s closed. On the doors are upside down crucifixes. The faint sound of The Demon Nun score spills out of the theater as you open the doors. You can’t see anything because thick smog is billowing from an unknown source. As you enter the theater, you trigger a motion detector that activates a animatronic of The Demon Nun! She lunges. You run to your seats, heart beating out of your chest. You fumble with your VR headset, wondering if you can handle The Demon Nun….Can I get an amen?

Go see the The Conjuring 2, folks. It’s one hell of a summer blockbuster!

The Future of Horror: How The Conjuring 2 Will Change Everything.

After three days of The Conjuring 2 rampaging around my head like a devilish poltergeist, I have come to two solid facts: The Conjuring 2 is the blockbuster horror film that the genre has been desperately needing. Second, the Conjuring 2 is the blueprint for the future of horror cinema.

Horror is one of the most remarkable genres in all of cinema. Not only has it has been around since the dawn of film, it has also created subcategories such as the Slasher, Creature Feature, and Found Footage Horror just to tickle a few of its many bones. And let’s face it, it’s hands down the most profitable genre for any filmmaker or studio. People love being scared; it’s a drug.

People have paid money to feel that rush for over 100 years. I can’t speak for others who watch horror movies, but I always turn one on when I’m depressed. The feeling of being scared by fictional images always slash away any feelings of depression or worrying thoughts. It’s a stress reducer; I know I’m safe from the horrors within the celluloid. Yet I still let it crawl under my skin until it clutches my heart. But this feeling we all love is a drug. And we want more of it!

"lets get high."

“lets get high.”

So how can we increase our dosage of fear? And how the hell does The Conjuring 2 play into our delicious habit? It’s simple – TC2 is the horror blockbuster we needed because it’s the blueprint to the future of the horror genre. When I was watching The Hodgson family go through their nightmare, I literally felt as if I was in the Enfield house with them. This was all because of Director James Wan and cinematographer Don Burgess’s damn fine job using the camera in unique and involving ways. Without spoilers, we spent a beautiful amount of time in the point-of-view of the family members; when the mother looked through the door, we were forced to look at what she saw (we all nearly died in fright ) As I mentioned in in my previous article the camera had us possessed. A particular scene involving one of the girls under her sheets had me convinced I saw the future of it all; almost instantly I turned to my fiance and said, “This is why Virtual Reality is perfect for horror.”

Virtual Reality is not science fiction. It’s real. I’ve tasted it. You can google virtual reality headsets and easily buy one for under $50! That means the technology is getting easier and easier to develop. We already have some virtual reality scenes/movies that transport you to a different place or time. The technology is at our fingertips. We can finally experience a main stream horror release in Virtual Reality.

Hold on, hold on! I understand that watching an entire movie this way would be distracting to the story. What I am proposing is to introduce key jump scenes, or dread scenes as I call them. For example, something pops out as we walk down a hallway or peek through a door. Imagine watching the end scene in The Conjuring 2 when everything is going to hell inside the house! That would literally scare the crap out of people. Imagine a VR re-release of The Exorcist (Regan’s room in VR?!) How about a VR re-release of Paranormal Activity!? The possibilities are endless! Sure the movie screen would have to be curved to a certain degree, sure a comfortable headset would have to be created, and sure that means the price would have to increase. Innovation means change and change means money. I don’t care. I think it’s worth extra coin to experience something like that, and I think most people would agree with me.

Going to the movies used to be an experience. Now that we’re in the 21st century, the experience needs to change. Why can’t it? Why shouldn’t it? Why not push the boundaries past the shadows of familiarity? TC2 showed us with fancy camera work, insane scares, and terrifying characters that the future of horror is ready for something more. We are hungry and ready to experience horror like we have never seen it before. The blueprint is all in The Conjuring 2. Let’s get our fix.

By the way – don’t tell me I’m delusional. Warner Bros has already released a taste of the VR future!

WITNESS #theconjuring2 VR HORROR!

Midnight Trailer Treat: Ankle Biters

In 2007 I was leveling up life points by working at a theater in Niles, Illinois. The theater offered me an unlimited opportunity to watch movies. It was a glorious feast for the starving movie monster that lay within my mind.

This was before VOD killed limited release films. I was able to witness a few horror treats that would have most definitely premiered on Netflix this day and age. People tend to forget how deadly the VOD/streaming services really were. However, this rambling tale is not about what I saw on the Silver Screen in 2007. It is about working at the theater and taking my break one wintery night that was a Tuesday.

Taking my final break I decided to skip out on a meal and cruise the aisles of the dollar store that was inside the mall. Everybody in the area knows that Golf Mill Mall is literally the scum underneath a dumpster. This dumpster mall did have one thing that was a pretty cool Dollar Store mentioned prior.  It was in this dollar store that I would find crap DVDs. They would mostly be John Wayne serials or really, really bad 70’s exploitation films. But sometimes I  would find gems like the 2002 epic,  Ankle Biters. Midget vampires, that is all. WITNESS!!

Ankle Biters Trailer

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I bought this DVD in a heartbeat. When I got home in the wee hours of the morning I popped this mofo into my computer and watched the beautiful trash within. It was so damn ridiculous that I couldn’t help admire it.

Filmmaker Adam Minarovich gave it his all. He made a God damn movie about midget vampires. He dedicated his money, time, and dreams to make the movie he wanted to. I don’t know about you but that hit me right in the core. It hit me hard.

I wept.

Directors Who Should Make A Horror Film.

So I was under the shower when I had a fun thought slash across my mind : What if the Coen Brothers made a horror movie?! It would simply be amazing.

This led to me thinking about a few other directors who, for unknown reasons, have not explored this oh so juicy genre. I was actually feeling a bit sad. So I decided to call out a few of these talents in hopes of shinning a light on the fact they would be great for the genre!

Let us begin!

1. Martin Scorsese – This legend has come close with Cape Fear and Shutter Island. However, those are purely thrillers. I want to see him lend his vision to true horror. Knowing his work, I can see him entering the supernatural subgenre. Maybe a hotel haunted by Mafia ghosts! Whooaaaa!!

2.  Jeff Nichols – The filmmaker that gave us Shotgun Stories, Mud, and Take Shelter. His muse is the great Michael Shannon. Imagine these two playing with a dark, Southern Gothic spookfest!

3. Coen Brothers – The brothers would literally create the most epic horror film of all time. I smell an all American slasher film set in a small town. Drooling.

4. Clint Eastwood – I demand a brutal and bloody western that deals with Native American monsters. That is all.

5. Farrelly Brothers- The Dumb and Dumber creators would be perfect for a ridiculous horror comedy. We are do for one.

Well, that’s all for now. Bye.

Flea Market Horror Finds #1

The American flea market is a graveyard for cool shit you don’t need. Which means you actually DO need it.

It’s also filled to capacity with deadite looking, soulsucking, nasal burning, stomach churning goons that’ll make you scream.

If you get past the creatures that lurk you will inevitably enjoy yourself. If ChrisDoesComics and The Gaunt can do it, so can you!

This weekend was Friday the 13th. That means absolutely nothing. However, Friday the 15th was Flea Market Sunday at my local hunt- Wolfs Flea Market.

I was helping my father-in-law hock is junk when I had a sudden urge to hunt. I told myself I wouldn’t buy but that’s like telling my Kiki to stop stealing my God damn pillow every God damn night. I’m glad I didn’t listen to my brain. The gut is always right! The gut is always right!

My first treat of the day took only one American dollar. Best dollar spent in the last 4 days.

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Wait until they get a'load of me!

After grabbing the serial killer clown I ventured off to a table operated by some very nice Mexican people. I quickly realized they are not all rapists and gangbangers when I purchased the motherload below!

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Kong is King

Todd McFarlane’s RKO King Kong was mine for only $15 bucks! I nearly poo-pooed my slacks! I have been wanting this statue for years. Every single Pop Con or Horror Con had it for hundreds! The scuplt is simply amazing. It truly shows why Kong is the mightiest of monsters.

This find ended my epic Sunday on a high. Perhaps it was from finding Kong or the rancid fumes of the living corpses that stroll the lanes of all markets, but whatever it was I want more.

The Gaunt Reviews: Prime Cuts: A Graphic Novel – Vol. 1

Prime Cuts: A Graphic Novel – Vol.1

My bleeding eyes have tasted something sweet and fresh, dear readers! It is with eager fingers that I implore you to read what I have experienced. The indy comic world has a beating heart once again! The Cult of the Graveyard Machine, I give you a throbbing thick review of – Prime Cuts: A Graphic Novel – Vol. 1.

Freshmen year in high school, I found a palm sized sleaze comic at school. It was tucked away between The Dark Knight Returns and Sin City. This 10 page booklet was a dirty secret that I had in my back pocket for a week. It was filled with murder, sex, and “cock-cussing” bad language. I will never know the names of the creators that gave me that nervous read. But it doesn’t matter because that feeling has been resurrected ten-fold in Volume 1. of Prime Cuts.

Creators John Franklin and Tim Sulka have Frankensteined the classic tale of Sweeney Todd to the point of brilliant originality. Set in post apocalyptic world where meat has become something of a rarity, law and order is nothing but an idea. Sure, things still function, like Pops Pizza, but anything and everything can happen in a blink of an eye.

The moment our hero, Todd Sweeney, leaves The Cosmetology Prison, we enter the madness that is Prime Cuts. It never strays from its moral code of true grit. We all know that Sweeney Todd is a tale of revenge and fate. Prime Cuts takes that and literally says, ‘fate? fuck that’. It completely dices and slices up what you would expect, and presents the raw meat that you ain’t suppose to eat!

When I finished Prime Cuts I was overwhelmed with the feeling that I got when reading that “dirty” comic as a kid. It wasn’t a perverted boner filled feeling. It was a proud discovery feeling. Weird? Let me explain. Prime Cuts is a graphic novel that you read and pass along to your friends. With a knowing grin you say, “Have you ever read, Prime Cuts?”

Read well,

The Gaunt

Prime Cuts: A Graphic Novel – Vol. 1 is Graveyard Machine approved! Primce Cuts is written by creative team Tim Sulka (Children of the Corn -666 screenwriter) and John Franklin (Isaac from Children on the Corn). Check out the details using the links below!

For a limited time, a free download of Prime Cuts, vol. 1 is available FREE at http://www.primecutsnovel.com! Hard copies are available for sale at IndyPlanet.com.  Volume 2 coming soon!

Official Facebook page – https://www.facebook.com/PrimeCutsNovel/

Rob Zombies Throat Punch Album!

Rob Zombie has unleashed his 6th studio album:The Electric Warlock Acid Witch Satanic Orgy Celebration Dispenser.

The album spins in the realm of 30 minutes. Be warned, these minutes will leave mass destruction of monstrous proportions. It is the throat punch you will give Monday mornings. It is sensational.

Let me tell you some real talk. You ready? Rob Zombie is the last great Rock n’ Roll revivalist. This man has single handily Frankensteined the genre. Here is a man that never strays away from who he is, what he does. From film to music, Zombie will forever be the mad doctor that is never gonna stop saving Rock.b

Buy the album now! – http://robzombie.com/

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